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Series 5, Episode 7, Broadcast 9 November 1954
Lurgi Strikes Britain
Wallace: This is the BBC
GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION
Peter: And it used to be so popular. Well, here it is -
Harry: The Goon Show
GRAMS: ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE, CHEERING, WHISTLING
Harry: Stop! (stops immediately) Ah-ha-ha. Mr. Greenslade? Do your duty,
laddy
Wallace: Yes, sir. The story that follows is rather complicated. So to avoid
complication we open with Act III Scene I Part II, the same afternoon,
enter a human being
Neddy: My name is Ned Seagoon
GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION
Neddy: Curse. As I was saying, I am a doctor. I used to have a practice in
Harley Street, but the police moved me on. One morning in May, I was
going through an old dustbin, when my valet announced a visitor
Peter: Pardon me, sir. There is a visitor to see you.
Neddy: Right, heads down. Put my lunch back in the dustbin and send him in
Peter: This way, sir
Moriarty: Ahhh, my dear Dr. Seagoon. Allow me, my card
Neddy: My card
Peter: My card
Moriarty: Snap! And now, my friend, to business. My name is Count Moriarty.
Have you ever heard of lurgi?
Neddy: There's no one of that name here
Moriarty: Ah Christi Pompet! Listen to me while I tell you a tale. In 1296 on
the Isle of Ewe
Needy: Where?
Moriarty: Isle of Ewe
Neddy: I love you, too. Shall we dance?
Moriarty: I don't wish to know that. On the Isle of Ewe the dreaded lurgi
struck. In six weeks, in cinq weeks mark you, lurgi had destroyed
the entire population. Lurgi could easily destroy the entire human
race.
Eccles: Then I'm okay, fellows
Neddy: Count Moriarty, why are you telling me all this?
Moriarty: Why? Yesterday, lurgi claimed its first victim in Britain.
Neddy: Ha-Ha. You jest
Moriarty: I jest what?
Neddy: You just said that lurgi just claimed its first victim in Britain
Moriarty: Sacre-bleu, sacre-bleu! How can you joke when lurgi threatens? Sit
down while I tell you a tale. Last night, my dear Seagoon, I was a
passenger on a bus in Oldham
Neddy: You reckless continental, you!
Moriarty: TouchŽ. The bus was passing the Oldham Fire Station, all as
normal (fading out)
ORCHESTRA: LINK MUSIC
Harry: Any more fares, please, Family Park next stop. Any more? Eeeeeeeeh
Yakka-Boo
Peter: (old woman) What to do with him?
Harry: Hold tight, please, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo, Yakka Boo
Spike: Here, loosen his collar
Harry: What's the matter with you lot? Take your hands off me! Eeeeeeeeh
Yakka-Boo
Peter: Stop the bus!
Harry: Don't you stop this - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo
Spike: Give him air!
Peter: Stand back now!
Harry: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo (fading out)
Moriarty: Not a pretty sight!
Neddy: Good Heavens! What happened then?
Moriarty: The unfortunate bus conductor was taken to the Olham Royal
Infirmary
Neddy: And then?
Moriarty: And then...well, listen
ORCHESTRA: HARP MUSIC FOLLOWED BY DRAMATIC CHORD
Harry: Doctor, I tell you, I'm all right, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo - I can't see
what you're bothered about at all see - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-
Boo
Peter: (doctor) Yes, yes, yes. Now breathe in (Harry inhales) and breathe out -
Harry: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Peter: Must you? Now breathe in again
Harry: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Peter: Please, I must ask you to reeeea - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Harry: Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Yakka-Boo
Spike: (nurse) Now what is it, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Peter, Harry and Spike go "Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo" as they fade out
Moriarty: (fading in) And that is my tale Seagoon. In six weeks Britain could be
destroyed by lurgi and that includes you!
GRAMS: WHOOSH, FOLLOWED BY CLOSING DUSTBIN LID
Moriarty: Come out of that dustbin, Seagoon!
Neddy: (from within the bin) I'm watching television!
Moriarty: Come out!
FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING LIFTED NOISILY
Neddy: Oh please, please, I...I don't know anything about lurgi
Moriarty: Supristi! I will tell you all about lurgi
Neddy: Then you cure it
Moriarty: I am not a doctor. No. You must be the one. You, and you alone,
will go down in history. Think: Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie, and
now you!
Neddy: I agree. But what's lurgi got to do with me, Pasteur, and the other
painters?
Moriarty: Sacre-Fred. Here, read this article.
FX: PAPER BEING RUSTLED
Neddy: "Will any doctor with knowledge of lurgi please communicate with Dr.
Hercules Grytpype-Thynne"!
Moriarty: Well? What are you waiting for? With his help you will be the man
to save the nation from the dreaded lurgi.
Neddy: Yes, but I -
Moriarty: A Knighthood, position, riches - Money!
GRAMS: WHOOSH AND DOOR CLOSES
FX: PICK UP PHONE, DIALS
Moriarty: (singing) Niem sonatadi en Paris! (speaking) Hello? Ah, Dr,
Grytpype-Thynne? Ah, listen, Grytpype. Moriarty here. Yes. He's
justleft, he's on his way to you now. Yes. (laughs) Yes. Until he
arrives here's Max Geldray
MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA PLAY "PINK
CHAMPAGNE"
ORCHESTRA: HARP MUSIC CREATING MYSTIC EFFECT
FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR
Grytpype: Come in!
FX: DOOR OPENED
Neddy: Dr. Grytpype-Thynne?
Grytpype: The same
Neddy: My name is Ned Seagoon
GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION
Grytpype: Upsy-daisy! Now, what can I do for you?
Neddy: I've come to help fight lurgi. First Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie and
now me!
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you. Now what are your qualifications?
Neddy: I was struck off the Rolls twice
Grytpype: You can only be struck off the Rolls once
Neddy: That'll give you some idea of my importance.
Grytpype: Then your our man. The situation is extremely grave. In the last 12
hours 2,000 more victims have been smitten by lurgi.
Neddy: (gulps) We must move fast
Grytpype: What do you suggest?
Neddy: South America?
Grytpype: No, no, no. You are the one man who can save Britain
Neddy: Yes. First Lewis Carol, Madame Tussaud and now me!
Grytpype: Now, Seagoon, let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to meet
the Medical Council. Once there -
Neddy: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?
Grytpype: Please don't do that
Neddy: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po
Grytpype: Good. I'll tell you a tale. At the moment lurgi is confined to
Oldham. Now here's what you must tell the Medical Council: All
the lurgi victims must be sent to Blackpool
Neddy: One moment, Dr. Grytpype. If you know the cure for lurgi why don't
you have the Knighthood and the riches?
Grytpype: I can't. You see, I'm married
Neddy: Oh, I'm terribly sorry
Moriarty: Come Seagoon, off to the Council Medical
ORCHESTRA: LINK MUSIC
Everyone: talking among themselves
Peter: (Jewish Businessman) Ladies and Gentlemen! Ladies and Gentlemen of
the British Medical Council! Now then, I've got you out of bed
because I want you to hear about this lurgi lark, what their all doing
their nut about in Lancashire. Here's the speaker, Dr, err -
Neddy: Seagoon. Ned Seagoon.
GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION
Peter: My life, he's always doing that! Carry on, nut
Neddy: Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start are there any further questions?
Minnie: What is lurgi?
FX: THUMPS OF SOMETHING SOLID BEING HIT AGAINST
WOOD (MINNIE SCREAMS) FOLLOWED BY SHUTTING
DOOR
Neddy: Any more questions? No my plan is to set up Yakka-Boo Centres in
Blackpool.
Minnie: I'm asking a civilian question. What is lurgi?
Henry: That's another thing I want to know! What is lurgi?
Minnie: What is lurgi?
Henry: Shut up
Minnie: Shut up
Henry: Shut up
Minnie: You shut up!
Henry: What is lurgi?
Minnie: I've just asked that question, buddy.
Henry: Why didn't you say so?
Minnie: I did say so
Henry: If you've already asked there's no point in me asking
Minnie: Well anyway, what is lurgi?
Henry: Well, gentlemen, I beg of you, before it's too late I select the lurgi
victims at Yakka-Boo Centres in Blackpool
Minnie: Wait. Where are we going to get all the money from for this business,
buddy?
FX: TELEPHONE RINGS, PICKED UP
Neddy: Hello?
Grytpype: (on other end) You have arranged a charity concert at the Albert
Hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund
Neddy: Yes, that's it. I have arranged for a charity concert at the Albert hall in
aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund
Minnie: Bravo! Bravo!
Wallace: Part Two. A Charity Concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the lurgi
Distress Fund. The Overture by the Ray Ellington Quartet
MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET SING "MY VERY
GOOD FRIEND (SUGGESTS YOU SHOULD MARRY ME)"
Neddy: And next in this concert we have imported my permission of Count
Moriarty and Dr, Grytpype-Thynne the great continental tenor Jovani
Sulphoney
GRAMS: ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE, CHEERS, WHISTLES
Sulphoney: (Spike) Gracias, gracias. For my first number I would like to sing
that lovely melody that we all love so well "I Travel The Road"
ORCHESTRA: GRAND AND LENGTHY INRODUCTION
Sulphoney: (with orchestra) I gypsy am I, go wandering by, I travel the road,
all day
Moriarty: (over music) I'll give him the signal now
Sulphoney: I travel the road, - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Neddy: Moriarty, the singer! He's got the lurgi! Help! Run for your lives!
Lurgiiiii!
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK, FOLLOWED BY HARPS AGAIN
FX: TAPPING ON METALLIC DUSTBIN
Grytpype: For the last time, come out of that dustbin
Neddy: (inside bin) Leave me alone, I don't want to touch lurgi
Grytpype: There is nothing to fear. Neddy, I'll tell you the cure
FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING OPENED
Neddy: The cure? Ah-ha. That's it, the cure! The cure, what's the cure?
Grytpype: Now sit down Neddy and let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for
you to force your way into the Houses of Parliament. Once there
you must impress upon them the disastrous cuinsequonces of this
dreaded lurgi.
Neddy: But, but, what's the cure?
Grytpype: The, err, cure, is rather unorthodox, but here it is, you will tell them
(fade out)
ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK
Wallace: Meanwhile and unsuspecting Parliament is debating important affairs
of state.
Everyone: coughs
Spike: (old politician) Err, who's responsible for the drains at Hackney? And,
may I ask why they have not been taken up in the last century?
Everyone: Here, here
Peter: (old politician) They are, they were, taken up last December
Spike: Oh!
Peter: Ah!
Harry: here, here.
Spike: (halting at every comma) Isn't it time, they were taken up, again?
Harry: Well done!
Peter: Impossible! They've not been put back again yet
Wallace: (above arguments) The fierce debate was at its height when past the
speakers chair crept a dustbin, and with dramatic suddenness the
lid was flung off!
FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING THROWN OFF DRAMATICALLY
Neddy: Honourable members! Lurgi threatens us all!
Minnie: What is lurgi?
Neddy: Lurgi is the most dreadful malady known to mankind
Minnie: Oooooh!
Neddy: In six weeks it could swamp the whole of the British Isles
Everyone: Rubbish!
Neddy: Gentlemen, Oldham is already affected. At this very moment more and
more people are contracting lurgi
Everyone: shouts of shock, such as "Terrible state of affairs!"
Peter: Is there any known cure for lurgi?
Neddy: That there is! Let me tell you a tale. By continuous research I
discovered that all victims have one thing in common.
Everyone: What is it? Out with it man?
Neddy: None of them play in a brass band
Everyone: Incredible. Amazing
Peter: One moment, sir. Are you inferring that by playing a musical instrument
one is immune for lurgi?
Neddy: Yes
Peter: Hmmm. Give me an "A", would you?
ORCHESTRA: EACH INSTRUMENT PLAYING DIFFERENT
NOTES, FOLLOWED BY DRAMATIC LINK
ENDED WITH HARPS
Wallace: Following the massive disclosure in Parliament, Dr. Ned Seagoon
had been put in full charge of the Anti-Lurgi Campaign
Moriarty: (faded in) You will need to order 4 million E Flat trombones
Neddy: That's going to cost something isn't it?
Moriarty: Cost! Cost! Lives are at stake, man!
Neddy: Yes
Grytpype: If you can save Britain from lurgi the government won't mind the
expenditure
Neddy: Your right. First Louis Posture, Madame Pompadour, Sinzeer and
Gladys -
Grytpype: Yes, yes. We've heard all that. And now you
Neddy: Yes, Ha-Ha.
Grytpype: 3 million euphoneoms, 4 million sousaphones. Well, here's the list,
sign here, lad
Moriarty: And send it to Messrs Goosey and Bawkes, the well known
instrument makers.
Wallace: Dear listeners, sit down while I tell you a tale. Within three weeks
Messrs Goosey and Bawkes had received 50 million pounds in
brass band orders. They delivered them in some 30 million musical
instruments to Airwick Gatport, the great airport at Gatwick.
GRAMS: HUGE PLANE MOTOR RUNNING
Neddy: (over noise) What a sight! A thousand planes packed to the billagers
with the life saving instruments. Well done, Goosey and Bawkes.
Now, where is that Major Bloodnok? It's almost zero hour! Any of
you pilots seen Major Bloodnok?
Bluebottle: I heard you call me, my Cap-i-tain. I heard you call me. Enter
Bluebottle, pauses for audience applause, not a sausage. Wey!
Better Second House.
Neddy: Stand away little stringy pants, this is man's work
Bluebottle: But I have done all my homework, and I washed my knees - Look!
Points to white spot on leg, doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot
Neddy: Stop that dooting, man!
Bluebottle: Hee-Hee.
Neddy: Where's Major Bloodnok?
Bluebottle: I can play that part better than he can, him can. I'm in the school
play at Christmas. Puts on white beard, holŽ!
Neddy: Wait a moment, there is a part for you
Bluebottle: I knew you would not play this game without little Bluebottle.
What do I say, Captain?
Neddy: Read this, but don't read it until I tell you
Bluebottle: My little Captain is going a long way off to see if I can shout to
him. Turns away from windows so I do not shatter them.
Neddy: (in distance) Right-O! Read it out now!
Bluebottle: I heard you! (clears throat) Reads part: "My name is Ned Seagoon"
GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION
Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you. You have deaded me before we've even
started the game. And you have singed my Edward Persian
Egyptian type-shirt. Oiiy! Moves off for new supply of crep-air.
Major: Oh thud me cronkers and duffel me latches. A civilian on army
property? Who are you, sir?
Neddy: I'd rather not say, sir, you see I -
Major: Come on out with it! I'm broad-minded! wait a minute your not Ned -
Neddy: Shhhhh, please
Major: Strange sounding name.
Neddy: Major Bloodnok -
Major: That's more like a name! Pleased to meet you Major Bloodnok
Neddy: I'm not Major Bloodnok, that's your name.
Major: Of course it is, ahhhhhh
Neddy: Major Bloodnok
Major: Err, Major Bloodnok
Neddy: Yes
Major: Yes
Neddy: You will be parachuted into Blackpool with your men, the object
being to instruct the lurgi victims in the use of these new instruments
Major: Well, we're all ready to depart now. Band, from the left, into the plane,
quick march, chocks away, good luck!
GRAMS: DOORS SHUT AND PLANES TAKE OFF
Neddy: What a sight! A thousand planes taking off for Blackpool, soon it will
all be over, lurgi conquered by me!
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK ENDED IN HARPS
Wallace: And now here is the news. Today in Parliament questions were asked
regarding the dropping of some 50 million brass band instruments
on Blackpool late last night. There appears to be no valid reason
why this strange operation was carried out. It is known to have cost
the treasury well over 25 million pounds. As a result income tax
will now be three guineas in the pound. New Scotland Yard are
trying to trace a short fat man who started a rumour about a non-
existent disease called lurgi. He is reported to have last been seen -
Grytpype: Switch it off.
Moriarty: Yes, we've heard enough of that now. Let me see now, that's
£15,000 for you, 15 million for me, 6 million for me and then for
the -
FX: DOOR OPENED ABRUPTLY
Neddy: Ah! There you are!
Grytpype: It's Little Neddy.
Neddy: Have you heard the news? They say that there's no such disease as
lurgi
Grytpype: No such disease as lurgi? And you went to the Houses of
Parliament and told them there was!? Oh dear!
Neddy: Ey? You told me to tell them! I mean -
Grytpype: (Moriarty counting money behind) Tooth brush, change of
underwear, yes, got the plane tickets?
Neddy: Wait, wait! There is such a thing as lurgi, isn't there? (laughs
nervously) You told me there was! I mean -
Peter: (taxi driver, same voice as lurgi singer) Oh pardon me, the car's waiting
for Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes to take them to the airport
Neddy: Wait! Your the singer from the Albert Hall! You've got lurgi! Run for
your life! Lurgi! wait a minute, Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes?
Grytpype: Yes, that's our business name. We make brass band instruments,
you know.
Neddy: You must have made a fortune!
Grytpype: Let me tell you a tale. First Charley Peace, Dr. Crippin, and now
Muggins. Good-bye.
FX: DOOR SHUTS
Neddy: Muggins? Who's Muggins? (sobs) Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh
Yakka-Boo
ORCHESTRA: THEME TUNE
Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally
Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer
Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.
Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE
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