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Series 5, Episode 15, Broadcast 4 January 1955
1985
Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service
Peter: Big Brother is watching you!
Eccles: Oooh!
FX: GONG STRIKES
Harry: Listeners, you are warned! This programme is not to be listened to!
insane laughter
Bluebottle: Eaugh! Tee-Hee! I don't like this game
Wallace: The BBC would like to caution parents, this programme is unsuitable
for the very young, the very old, the middle-aged, those just going
off, those on the turn, young dogs and ornament John Snagge
FX: GONG STRIKES
Spike: This is the story of the year 1985
Everyone: wails and weeps
GRAMS: GENTLE DANCING MUSIC FADES IN AND OUT
Neddy: My name is 846 Winston Seagoon, I am a worker in the great news
collecting centre of the Big Brother Corporation, or as you knew it the
BBC! In every room is a TV screen that gives out a stream of orders
Peter: Attention, people of England state thanks to derationing and the free
market, the price of tea has now gone down to 85 guineas a quarter,
and here is good news for state housewives, the following goods are
now in the shops: plastic and saw-dust elephant night-shirts, second-
hand complete parachutes, artificial explodable wooden bloomers,
men's self-igniting tail-less shirts with anti-thunder sheet attachment.
There are unlimited supplies in the shops!
Eccles: Ooh, it's good to be alive, in 1985!
Peter: Now here is announcer 283947625324769854327618976/2
Neddy: Good old Greenslade!
Wallace: Special interest to BBC workers, by mixing water with earth our
scientists have invented - mud! It's now on sale in the BBC
canteen under the name of macaroni-a-grata or coffee!
Neddy: Big fat slob, get off the screen!
GRAMS: WHOOSH!
Gryptype: Worker Seagoon, did I hear you complaining?
Neddy: Oh,
Gryptype: You're not complaining about our new BBC TV are you?
Neddy: No, I -
Gryptype: What is the finest TV programme in the world?
Neddy: Kaleidoscope
Gryptype: You are forgiven. As a penance you will put a copy of the Radio
Times in your window. Don't forget to watch tonight's programme
Neddy: Oh yes, "Ask Son of Pickles"
Gryptype: Yes, tonight he hopes to have a one-legged dying eskimo play the
piano for him. Now, everybody, face the TV screen, time for the
Hate Half Hour
Spike: Attention all! Coming on the screen now is the one man you must hate,
the sworn enemy of the Big Brother Corporation: this is him!
Peter: (Jewish) Listen, listen. Don't believe them, BBC workers, rise and
overthrow your masters before it's too late. I will lead you against
them. Strike now! Revolt!
Neddy: So this was Horace Minnick, leader of the ITA
Peter: Join the Independent Television Army now!
Everybody: Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!
Spike: Stop! Now here is a special announcement from Big Brother
ORCHESTRA: GRAND TRUMPET REVEILLE
Peter: BBC workers, the canteen is now open, lunch is ready, doctors are
standing by
Neddy: As I sat at my table eating my boiled water I began to hate Big Brother
Corporation
Eccles: Hey Winston, guess what I found in my dinner
Neddy: What?
Eccles: Food! Oh it's good to be alive, in 1985!
Neddy: Poor producer fool, still 60 years with "The Huggits" would turn
anyone
Peter: (woman) I love you darling!
Eccles: I love you, too, darling
Peter: Not you 213 Eccles, you, 846 Winston
Neddy: You're a woman aren't you?
Peter: Yes
Neddy: Thank Heaven! You've got to be careful these days
Peter: 846 Winston, darling, I've loved you from afar!
Neddy: My favourite distance! But who are you?
Peter: I'm 612, Miss Snutt, I operate the pornograph machine in the forbidden
records department . I love you, do you hear me?
Neddy: No, love is not for us
Peter: No?
Neddy: Love is only for the higher income group: John Snagge, Audrey
Callingham, Paul Fenulay
Peter: Let's take a chance, let's meet somewhere under the moon alone. We
can clasp each other to each other and then oooooh!
Eccles: Oooooh! It's good to be alive, in 1985!
Neddy: Shut up Eccles!
Eccles: Shut up Eccles!
Neddy: Now, darling, where?
Peter: Somewhere where no-one is listening
Neddy: I know the place, Home Service 8.30 Tuesday night
Peter: You mean the forbidden Goon sector?
Neddy: Yes. Wait, that belt you're wearing
Peter: That's the anti-sex league belt
Neddy: Well I don't think I'll come
Peter: No no! But you too are wearing the anti-sex league belt
Neddy: I was forced to
Peter: Why?
Neddy: My trousers kept falling down
Peter: 'Til Tuesday, darling!
FX: COCONUT SHELLS GALLOPING OFF
Neddy: 'Til Tuesday! There she goes, little fairy. That night in my room I sat
out of range of the TV screen. I love Snutt and I hate Big Brother. I
wrote it in my diary: I hate BB, I hate BB, I hate BB, I hate BB
FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKS IT UP
Neddy: Hello?
Peter: (Groucho Marx on other end of phone) Don't tell anyone, but I hate BB
too!
Neddy: Who are you, Ben Lion?
Peter: No, I was, but the script was altered
Neddy: Karl Marx! So there was an underground movement, I must try and
find it. I stood in the street, pausing only to hear worker Geldray play
a perforated haddock sock at a slope
MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA "IT COULD HAVE
BEEN YOU, IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME"
Neddy: And so I entered the forbidden Goon sector of London hoping to
contact a member of the ITA. Once there I went into the notorious
public house "The Grovener"
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR
GRAMS: GLASS SMASHED, BAR ROOM SINGING IN GERMAN,
GLASS SMASHED OVER RECORD
Bloodnok: (over GRAMS) Now lads, I know you're all enjoying yourselves,
but silence please, silence for the cabaret (GRAMS STOP). I
have pleasure in presenting those glamorous grandmothers the
three Beverley Sisters
FX: GUN SHOT
Bloodnok: Correction, the Beverley Twins!
FX: GUN SHOT
Bloodnok: Miss Beverley will sing -
FX: GUN SHOT
Bloodnok: Everybody dance!
ORCHESTRA: FEW BARS OF PIANO PLAYED IN PUB STYLE,
EVERYONE SHOUTING OVER IT
Neddy: To think this used to be Palm Court. I looked around the bar, they
were dressed in cloth caps, corduroy trousers, rough lumber-jacket
shirts, bald heads and beards - and some of the men were dressed the
same!
Bluebottle: Tee-Hee!
Neddy: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you there
Bluebottle: Fear not, you did not hurt me. Enter Bluebottle, the toast of the
Goon sector, thank you to the Goons for the sausages
Neddy: What's that plain-wrapped book you're reading?
Bluebottle: That is a naughty little book-ules, listen to this: "In the darkness
she felt his hot breath on her bed rails. Then a warm hand fell on
her marble wash-stand -
Neddy: Stop! Stop, stop that at once! Give me that book!
Bluebottle: Why?
Neddy: I want to read it. What's it called?
Bluebottle: It's called "Mrs. Dale's Real Diary"
Neddy: Mrs. Dale's? Heavens, would the BBC stop at nothing!? So this was
how they kept the masses from thinking
Bluebottle: Tee-hee-hee! Look at this page! Tee-hee-hee! It's a 3-D picture of
Mrs, Dale in her night-shirt being chased by Mr. Dimbleby! Tee-
hee! Hoooo! Pauses to wipe drool from chin
Neddy: I had to go outside, I couldn't bear to watch these poor Goons wallow
in misery. It was then I wandered into an antique shop
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR, BELL RINGS
Henry: (singing) I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
Neddy: Good evening, do you mind if I take a gander around the shop?
Henry: No, as long as it's house trained
Neddy: I say, what's this old object?
Henry: That? Beautiful isn't it? It's called a cricket-bat
Neddy: Oh yes. Did they have test-matches way back?
Henry: Yes, that's right, as a matter of fact this bat was used in the very last
test by Les Hunton. You can see, it's quite un-marked
Neddy: Old man, tell me, what was it like back in 1954?
Henry: Well we had sports and games, coloured movies, Charley Chester,
Monkhouse, Gilbert Harding - Ooh it was terrible!
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR
Eccles: Here, listen, look who I brought along
Peter: (Miss Snutt) Hello dearest
Neddy: Darling, darling I love you!
Eccles: And I love you too
Neddy: Shut up Eccles!
Eccles: Shut up you!
Peter: We were looking in the window for antiques and we saw you
Neddy: We mustn't be seen together, quick into this room
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR, SLAMS DOOR
Peter: Darling! Alone at last!
Neddy: Oh, dearest Snutt! Let me kiss you and -
Eccles: Here here. don't start yet, I'll get a chair
Neddy: Eccles you go outside and keep watch
Eccles: I can watch better in here
Neddy: Eccles, here's the door
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR, SLAMS SHUT
Neddy: Now, my dearest, alone at last
Eccles: Yup, alone at last
Neddy: Eccles get out or I'll -
Eccles: Okay okay
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR, SLAMS SHUT
Eccles: (sulking) Ha! Telling me to get out! Ha! Well see if I care! I don't care,
I don't care, I just don't care, that's all! Slamming the door like that!
Well they can stop on their own for all I care. I don't mind, I'll wait
here until they finish. I don't mind, I -
Neddy: Will you stop muttering and get out!
Eccles: Okay
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR, SLAMS SHUT
Eccles: Oooh!
Bluebottle: Tee-hee-hee!
Eccles: Bluebottle!
Bluebottle: Eccles!
Eccles: Ahum! Here, you were looking through the keyhole
Bluebottle: Yes I was, tee-hee
Eccles: It's naughty to look through the keyhole, very, very naughty to look
through the keyhole, very naughty
Bluebottle: Well stop looking through it when you're talking to me!
Eccles: I was only looking because - shall I tell you something?
Bluebottle: What is it?
Eccles: I aint ever seen a fella kiss a girl before
Bluebottle: Cor, haven't you Eccles?
Eccles: No. Here, here
Bluebottle: What Eccles?
Eccles: Have you ever kissed a girl?
Bluebottle: Tee-hee! I'm not going to tell you!
Eccles: Well come one, come on. I won't tell anybody
Bluebottle: No, no I'm not going to say, I'm a man of mystery
Eccles: But I'm your friend, come on, have you kissed a girl?
Bluebottle: Hee-hee-hee! Yes!
Eccles and Bluebottle: roar with laughter, gradually subsides
Bluebottle: Eccles?
Eccles: Yup?
Bluebottle: I've seen something you haven't seen
Eccles: What's that?
Bluebottle: I have seen -
Eccles: Yeah?
Bluebottle: I've seen my sister's washing on the line!
Eccles and Bluebottle: roar with laughter
Eccles: Oh it's good to be alive!
Bluebottle: Yes, I'm a happy-go-lucky man, tee-hee! Thinks: I'm a happy-go-
lucky man
FX: DOOR HANDLE RATTLES AND DOOR OPENS
Neddy: What's all this noise? You, what do you want?
Bluebottle: I have a message: If you want to join the Independent Television
Army report at once to number 10 Are-you-certain street
Neddy: Are-you-certain?
Bluebottle: Positive
Neddy: Right, let's go
GRAMS: 4 WHOOSHES IN QUICK SUCCESSION
Neddy: Here we are, number 10, the ITA Headquarters
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
Grytpype: Ah, Winston! I've been expecting you
Neddy: Vision-master Walman! What are you doing?
Grytpype: Now don't be frightened, I m a secret member of the Independent
Television Army
Neddy: I had a feeling you were, I knew it by the little things. The way you
smiled to me across the room, the way you brushed my hair when you
passed my chair (singing) Little things mean a lot!
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you! Now then you want to join ITA?
Neddy: Yes
Grytpype: What do you know about television?
Neddy: 3 years at the BBC Staff Training College
Grytpype: What did you learn?
Neddy: Nothing
Grytpype: Good, we'll make you a director. now say after me: Down with the
BBC
Neddy: Down with the BBC
Grytpype: Drink
FX: TWO GLASSES CLINKED TOGETHER AND THEN SMASHED
ON THE FLOOR ONE AFTER THE OTHER
Neddy: We smashed our glasses in the fire-place. I had to borrow a spare pair
to find my way home. As I walked home I paused only to build a
rough-built radiogram of Ray Ellington and his crows
MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "SHAKE, RATTLE,
AND ROLL"
Spike: Silence! Stop! Attention 846 Winston Seagoon, you are under arrest for
conspiring with the Independent Television Army. You will await
detention by the studio attendants, you will then be prepared for the
agonising death type 3
Neddy: Had they suspected me?
Spike: Silence! You will be taken to room 101
Neddy: No, not 101, not the listening room! Oh no, no! Aaaah!
Wallace: I would just like to mention that the Radio Times is now on sale at
all book-stalls priced thruppence and jolly good value for money it
is too
Neddy: No, no, let me go! Why are they strapping me in this box? Why these
earphones?
Grytpype: Hello Winston, laddie
Neddy: Ah vision-master Walman, so they got you too
Grytpype: Yes, they got me a long time ago. I remember the date: Monday
night at 8. Now Winston, we must torture you
Neddy: You! You traitor! You deceived me!
Grytpype: Yes. Of course you can save yourself
Neddy: How?
Grytpype: Just sign this 3 year BBC contract
Neddy: What if I refuse?
Grytpype: You have no option
Neddy: A BBC contract with no option? Impossible. What's become of my
beloved? What have you done to Miss Snutt?
Grytpype: Snutt will never walk the streets again
Neddy: Why not?
Grytpype: She's bought a scooter. Now are you going to sign?
Neddy: No, no!
Grytpype: Greenslade, turn the knob to 247 meters
GRAMS: " MRS. DALE'S DIARY " THEME TUNE AND
PROGRAMME OVER SPEECH
Neddy: No, no! No stop it! Stop it! Stop it, I can't stand it! Stop it
GRAMS: SAME BUT SPEEDING UP DRAMATICALLY OVER
SPEECH UNTIL CHIPMUNK SPEED
Neddy: No! Stop it! No please! Noooo! (GRAMS end)
Grytpype: You going to sign, Winston?
Neddy: No
Grytpype: Greenslade, 330 meters
GRAMS: BURST OF VERY FAST PROGRAMME, FADES OUT
Neddy: You fiend to let me hear that!
Grytpype: Sign!
Neddy: No
Grytpype: You won't sign?
Neddy: No
Grytpype: Greenslade!
GRAMS: BBC PROGRAMME OF PIANO AND OLD PEOPLE
SINGING ALONG TO OLD WAR TUNES OVER SPEECH,
GRADUALLY SPEEDING UP TO CRAZY SPEED
Neddy: No! No! No, stop, stop! No No! (GRAMS fade out) No! No!
Grytpype: I warn you, Winston, here we can change people into somebody
else. You know Eccles?
Neddy: Yes
Grytpype: He used to be Izzy Bon
Neddy: You're lying
Grytpype: You think so? Greenslade, call Barbara Kelly
Wallace: (shouting) Miss Kelly!
Ray: Yes, you calling me, Ronnie?
Gryptype: Ah, Barbara, dear, what's your line?
Ray: A coloured television
Grytpype: Thank you dear, back on the old flying wire
Neddy: You fiend, poor Barbara Kelly!
Grytpype: On the contrary we think it's a great improvement
Neddy: It must be terrible at "Bedtime with Brain"
Grytpype: Well it gets dark early in Canada, you know?
Neddy: So the awful torture went on, in 3 days I lost 10 stone. My weight
went down to a mere 20 stone. I looked so old and ill Wilfred Pickles
demanded me for his TV programme. Then the torture started again
GRAMS: HARRY SECOMBE SINGING "AVE MARIA"
Neddy: Stop, this is agony! Stop that voice! Stop that voice! Stop that voice!
Whose is it?
Grytpype: Yours
Neddy: More! Bravo! (claps) Encore! More! Let's have him back again, the
short fat man with glasses on!
Grytpype: Moriarty take over, I'm going to Jim Davidson for a saxophone
lesson
Moriarty: Very good. Little torturer!
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNS AND DOOR OPENS
Bluebottle: Enter torturer Bluebottle with junior cut-out torture kit
Moriarty: Listen, little lurgi-ridden yackul! Prepare the screaming agony rack!
Bluebottle: Oh goodie goodie! Thinks: perhaps 1985 is going to be a good
year for Bluebottle. Starts to get agony set ready
Neddy: Oh, Bluebottle, don't do it! Remember me? (nervous laugh and tone)
Your old pal Neddy Seagoon? Your friend?
Bluebottle: Yes
Neddy: Remember me?
Bluebottle: Yes, my friend
Neddy: Bluebottle, you remember me?
Bluebottle: You're the one who deads me every week aren't you? Tee-hee-hee!
Thinks: I know the very thing for him. Prepares pile of deadly
type dynamite, tee-hee! I like this game now, I do, I like this!
Neddy: Bluebottle, stop!
Bluebottle: There all is ready for the dreaded deading of the traitor Seagoon.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I want you to witness that for the first
time in the history of "The Goons" Bluebottle will not be
deaded. Observe! I light a hundred foot fuse so, now all that
remains is for me to escape. Taxi to the airport!
GRAMS: CAR ENGINE ZOOMING OFF
Bluebottle: Stop! (GRAMS stop) Aeroplane drive me to America!
GRAMS: AEROPLANE ZOOMING OFF
Bluebottle: Stop! (GRAMS stop) Horse, drive to the desert!
FX: COCONUT SHELLS GALLOP INTO DISTANCE AND FADE
Bluebottle: Ladies and gentlemen observe, I am now 6000 miles away from
the dreaded dynamite. Here I'm safe in the middle of the desert
GRAMS: HUGE EXPLOSION AND BITS OF METAL HITTING
GROUND RANDOMLY WITH SMASHED GLASS AND
THUDS
Bluebottle: Tee-hee! You rotten swines, you! Boo-hoo! exits left, never to play
this rotten game again. Never, never! Thinks: alright then, next
week. Oh look at my knees, they've gone! Boo-hoo!
Neddy: Meantime back in the BBC listening room I struggled to free myself
before the dreaded dynamite exploded
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
Bloodnok: Don't worry, Seagoon
Neddy: Bloodnok! Eccles!
Bloodnok: Quick, untie him
Eccles: Okay, I'd better hurry up before the -
GRAMS: HUGE EXPLOSION
Eccles: That's got his legs free!
Neddy: Yes, but where are they?
Eccles: Here they are
Peter: (Jewish) Attention, attention! Face the TV Screen
Neddy: Look, it's Horace Minnick
Peter: Listen, listen! Great news! After a telephone conversation lasting 3 days
and bribes worth 10 pounds i have gained control of the BBC
Neddy: Hooray! Freedom at last!
Peter: And here is the first of our new style Independent Television Army
programmes
GRAMS: VERY VERY SPED UP PROGRAMME
ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE
Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Bruce
Campbell, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer
Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT
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