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Series 5, Episode 24, Originally Broadcast 8 March 1955
The Yehti
Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service
Peter: Aaaaaajh! What's on the telly?
Wallace: You will find the answer to that question in the Radio Times, price
thruppence. Three copper coins, mark you, and by Jove, it has
become so interesting I would much rather settle down and read it
than listen to the radio any day
Harry: Didn't you once have a photograph in the Radio Times, Mr.
Greenslade?
Wallace: I did indeed, page 12, March the 14th 1935, and strangely enough I
happen to have 4 copies with me now
Harry: Well take them off and put a shirt on. The nation is standing by to hear
you give them the old wireless talking there. The old posh chat there
Wallace: Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen here is our usual warning to those
of a nervous disposition, those without a nervous disposition and
those still on the waiting list
Harry: It's the esteemed Goon highly Show
ORCHESTRA: TA DA
Peter: That was the orchestra under the direction of Wally Stott. Arthur Cruge
first trumpet, Mervin Clap bugle, Hessyiar Kippstraw spoons, Fred
Crint Chinese symbol, temple blocks and loose table-mats. The stool
arranger was Herman Tig. They have agreed, in conjunction with the
NUR, to play the theme music of -
Harry: The Yehti!
ORCHESTRA: TA DA
Harry: Why, it's a catchy tune, that, you know? Everybody will be whistling it
tomorrow, you know?
Omnes: whistles TA DA
Wallace: Our scene opens in an upright, pre-fab on Carshaltom Marshes.
It's the home of Ned Seagoon: philosopher, scholar, friend and foe,
unemployed, wedding cakes a speciality
Neddy: I love my little home. And I like nothing better than to sit by my own
fireside watching television in the next house but one. Yes, there's
something to be said for thin walls. And one night in the middle of
"Quite Contrary" - yes it was "Quite Contrary" - I remember, because
I was asleep at the time. Suddenly there was a knock at the door
FX: KNOCKS ON PAPER DOOR, RIPS A LITTLE
Neddy: Curse these pre-fabs. Come in!
FX: DOOR OPENS
Grytpype: I'm sorry, I appear to have put my foot through your door
Neddy: That's all right, I'll get a bit of plaster
Grytpype: Oh don't worry, I've only bruised my knuckles
Neddy: I was thinking about the door (laughs to himself, clears throat) If I'd
known I was having visitors I wouldn't have given the staff the night
off. I doubt there is a maid left (laughs to himself) Pull up an orange
box
Grytpype: May I?
Neddy: Yes, I'll stand
Grytpype: I've been watching you for some time
Neddy: Oh, have you?
Grytpype: Yes, not a pretty sight. You are Ned Seagoon, unmarried, no
family-ties, British, occupation, er -
Neddy: I run my own business in the West End
Grytpype: Oh yes, in Oxford Street isn't it?
Neddy: Yes
Grytpype: That's right, I bought a balloon off you
Neddy: Yes you did. (Aside) As the man perused his notes I looked him up
and down. He had a high forehead just above his eyes and an
acrylic nose with a couple of nostrils at the bottom. His jacket was
so beautifully cut and his trousers were torn as well
Grytpype: Neddy -
Neddy: He said
Grytpype: - I've been thinking...
Neddy: He paused
Grytpype: Neddy -
Neddy: He repeated
Grytpype: I think you're our man
Neddy: Me?
Grytpype: He replied
Neddy: But I don't understand!
Grytpype: He vouchsafed. Don't you Neddy?
Neddy :He proclaimed
Grytpype: Then I said -
Neddy: Are you with us Ned? To which I replied -
Grytpype: Yes! Then I told him my name
Neddy: I'm Hercules Grytpype-Thynne of the East Acton Geographical
society -
Grytpype: He said I said
Neddy: Then I said -
Grytpype: Goodnight, and out he went, while I settled down to watch telly in
the next house but one
Neddy: In order to learn more I went straight to the East Acton Geographical
Society. Once there I enquired for Mr. Grytpype-Thynne
Willium: He's not back yet, he went to lumber some charley in Carshortam
Neddy: I live in Carshortam
Willium: I should go through, charley, the meeting's just starting
Neddy: And for the first time I entered inner-sanctum of the East Acton
Geographical Society
FX: DOOR OPENED
Omnes: crowded meeting sounds
Peter: Now me must have an experienced climber
Spike: May I suggest Hillary?
Peter: Yes, that's a good idea, suggest him
Spike: What about Hillary?
Peter: No. Any more suggestions?
Harry: What about Sir John Hunt?
Peter: Sir John Hunt? Has he had much climbing experience?
Harry: He has that. Everest 1953
Peter: Everest 1 9 5 3 - good, I'll phone him later
Neddy: If I may butt in, sir, perhaps I'm your man. My name is Ned Seagoon,
I'm unmarried, no family-ties, British, and I'll go wherever needs-be
Moriarty: Ah, wait, are you by any chance the Monsieur from British
Carshortam?
Neddy: Yes
Moriarty: Yes, this is definitely him. You have been chosen from thousands
of charleys to bring back a Yehti, to-whit an abominable snowman
Neddy: Leave it to me. I'll leave for the Himalayas first thing tomorrow. The
mystery that has shrouded this creature shall remain a mystery no
longer. (laughs to himself) The annals of history will ring with the fair
name of Ned Seagoon, the man who made possible research for the
missing link. Remember the name, gentlemen, Ned Seagoon. (sings)
For he's a jolly good fellllllow, and so say all of usssss!
FX: KNOCKS ON DOOR
Neddy: Yes?
FX: DOOR OPENS
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you!
Neddy: Hello Mr. Thynne, I got here
Grytpype: Yes. Well now, as you probably would have been told, Yehti
tracks were reported last week
Neddy: Last week? But Yehti tracks were seen years ago
Grytpype: In Yorkshire?
Neddy: Yorkshire? Here in England?
Grytpype: Yes
Neddy: Oh that's different, I mean -
Moriarty: Remember, the man who finds the Yehti will be rich
Neddy: Then why don't you go?
Grytpype: You see, Neddy, the Yehti is an unknown quantity, as yet(i).
Rumour has it that a Yehti has the ability to take possession of
your mind
Neddy: Possession of my mind?
Grytpype: What have you got to lose?
Neddy: No no, I won't go! I won't! Yes, you can call me a coward if you like
Moriarty: We will pay you £50 for one Yehti
Neddy: How dare you call me a coward! I leave for Yorkshire at once
GRAMS: WHOOSH, DOOR SHUTS
Grytpype and Moriarty: (sings) April in Paris!
Grytpype: Moriarty?
Moriarty: Yes?
Grytpype: If there's a Yehti on the Yorkshire Moors that charley will bring it
back
Moriarty: And how much is a Yehti worth, again?
Grytpype: Priceless, you can't get them you know
Grytpype and Moriarty: (sings) April in Paris! Let's have some music!
MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA
Wallace: The Yorkshire Yehti, part 2, 3 days later; or part 3, 2 days later I
really couldn't care less. Ned Seagoon was fighting his way through
the terrible blizzard of '55 to Denshire across the Yorkshire Moors.
The drifts were 15 feet high and snow was expected
GRAMS: BLIZZARD
Neddy: Oooh! I had to find Long Willie's Croft. This was a house on the
lonely moors from which Yehti tracks had first been seen. On and on
I stumbled through the inky darkness. First one leg and then the other
which I found was the best way of walking. Then, when all seemed
lost I saw a light -
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC DESCENDING LINK, LONE HARP
Neddy: Yes! Long Willie's Croft. The man who has given me directions at
Piccadilly Circus had been dead right
FX: KNOCKS ON DOOR
Neddy: Open the door!
Minnie: Ooooh! It's the Yehti! We'll all be murdered in our beds!
FX: KNOCKS ON DOOR
Neddy: I'm not a Yehti! I'm Ned Seagoon. I'm a human
Minnie: You'll have to prove it, buddy. Put a photograph of yourself through
the letterbox
Neddy: Where can I get a photo of myself at this time of night?
Minnie: You can borrow my camera
Neddy: Thank you
FX: DOOR KNOB TURNED, CHAINS TAKEN OFF, OPENED, SHUT
Minnie: I'll get the tripod and the black cloth
Neddy: I can't take a photo when it's dark. I'll have to wait 'til morning
Minnie: Ah, you'll have to see Henry Crun about that
Neddy: Henry Crun?
Minnie: That's his name. I think he's down in the coal-cellar getting the coal,
you know?
Neddy: Well you can't get the wood, you know?
Minnie: You can't, ying-tong-iddle-I-pong
Neddy: Good!
Minnie: Good. I'll go and fetch Henry, oh dear dear
Neddy: I'll come with you
FX: FOOTSTEPS WALKING ALONG
Neddy: Steady now
Minnie: Hold on to me
Neddy: Do you come here often?
Minnie: Only in the spring
FX: DOOR OPENED AND SHUT
Neddy: (echoey room) Oh, I say! Sounds like a large coal cellar
Minnie: Yes, it's a mile to the coal-face, you know? Henry? Henry?
Neddy: Mr. Crun? I say, wouldn't it be better if I struck a match?
Minnie: Mercy save us, no! The driver wouldn't like it
Neddy: The driver
GRAMS: TRAIN WHISTLE, COMES FLYING PAST
Minnie: He's late again tonight
Neddy: That was a train!
Minnie: Yes, it's a busy time right now, you know?
Neddy( (gulps) I remembered Mr. Thynne's words
Grytpype: (evil echo) Take possession of your mind!
Neddy: Oh no!
Grytpype: Your mind!
Neddy: No!
Grytpype: Your mind!
Neddy: Heeeelp!
GRAMS: WHOOSH
Neddy: Ah, in two seconds I was up the stairs again. Was I losing my mind?
Was this a trick of the fiendish Yehti?
Henry: Ah, Mr. Seagoon
Neddy: Mr. Crun, a train just ran through your cellar
Henry: A train? My goodness, what time is it?
Neddy: 12.56
Henry: Ooh quick! Open that door!
FX: DOOR OPENS
GRAMS: TRAIN WHISTLE, COMES FLYING PAST
FX: DOOR SLAMMED
Henry: The Mails must go through, you know?
Neddy: Mr. Crun I must talk to you about the Yehti. Is there a room in the
house that trains don't run through?
Henry: Oh yes, in there
Neddy: Thank you
FX: DOOR OPENED
GRAMS: SHEEP BAAING LOUDLY OVER SPEECH
Neddy: Mr. Crun? Mr. Crun? I must tell you about the Yehti. It's very
important! Mr. Crun?
FX: DOOR SLAMS, GRAMS STOP
Neddy: We can't talk in there
Henry: No. I don't know who that lot belong to
Neddy: Mr. Crun, now about this Yehti
Henry: Yes, yes, I saw the tracks and - oh what time is it?
Neddy: 12.59
Henry: Stand well back! Stand well back!
FX: DOOR OPENED
GRAMS: TRAIN GRINDS TO A HALT
Henry: Well, good night Mr. Seagoon. Have a pleasant trip
Neddy: Yes I will, thanks very much. But Mr. Yehti, I mean Mr Yehti about
this Crun - Mr. Crun?
GRAMS: TRAIN STARTS PULLING AWAY, CHUGS OVER SPEECH
Neddy: What's going on here? Why have I been bundled on this train? What's
going on?
Bloodnok: I say!
Neddy: I'm sorry, I didn't see you there
Bloodnok: I say, are you the ticket inspector?
Neddy: No
Bloodnok: Then help me out from under this blasted seat, will you?
Neddy: There you are, that's it
FX: OVER STRUGGLE BITS OF METAL CRASH
Neddy: There. I'm a tenor, you know?
Bloodnok: The tenor's frame
Neddy: Yes. My name is Ned Seagoon
Bloodnok: Ned Seagoon? Well well well, what a coincidence! Seagoon! Yes
of course, I remember. Didn't your father have a son?
Neddy: Oh I never asked him about his private affairs
Bloodnok: Seagoon, of course, of course, yes! I knew your father before you
were born
Neddy: I didn't
Bloodnok: I wish you had, things might have been different. And, er, tell me,
he left you all right did he?
Neddy: Oh yes, I need never want
Bloodnok: Splendid, splendid! Yes, yes lad! You know I always remember the
look in your father's eyes when I lent him the money
Neddy: What money?
Bloodnok: Oh, laddie, there's no need for you to pay your father's debts, I
won't hear of it! I mean, what's £20?
Neddy: £20?
Bloodnok: Oh don't worry about it, it will do in a moment, I'm in no rush
Neddy: But I only brought a few pounds with me
Bloodnok: Well if you insist I accept
Neddy: But it isn't really mine to give, this is the reward money for the
information regarding the Yehti
Bloodnok: Murgle-me-rogers! You couldn't have come to a better man. I used
to go to school with a Yehti
Neddy: Yes? Good, good. Now tell me, are they tall and shaggy or squat with
smooth skin?
Bloodnok: Yes they are
Neddy: Oh, and they walk up like humans and have the powers of telepathy
and in actual fact they are the missing link, the step from animal to
man in one direction while in another far higher in intelligence and
having the ability to possess one's mind
Bloodnok: Is there any more information I can give you?
Neddy: Thank you, thank you no. You've given me enough to work on,
indeed! Well here's the money and thanks once more. No, there's just
one more question
Bloodnok: Oh?
Neddy: Where can I find this Yehti?
Bloodnok: Well, before I answer that question I think, um, another couple?
Neddy: Oh yes, yes. Here you are
Bloodnok: Thank you
Neddy: Now where can I find this Yehti?
Bloodnok: I've no idea
Neddy: But I've just given you some money
Bloodnok: For information regarding the whereabouts of the Yehti you must
get off - here!
Neddy: Wait!
FX: DOOR OPENS
GRAMS: TRAIN WHISTLE, COMES FLYING PAST
Neddy: Aaaaaah! I was left in the pitch dark of the Yorkshire Moors. I was
just about to run after the train when I felt a hand on my arm
Eccles: Hello. Did you hear that, I got the sausages! I'll tell Bluebottle
Neddy: Eccles! What are you doing here?
Eccles: Same as you, waiting for Ray Ellington and his Quartet. That's a good
introduction isn't it?
MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "Make Yourself
Comfortable (baby) / Ready, Willing and Able"
Neddy: That's better. Now Eccles, will you help me to find this Yehti?
Eccles: How do we find it?
Neddy: We have to find his tracks first. That shouldn't be difficult, they're
about 18 inches long and 10 inches wide
Eccles: Oh, nearly as big as mine
Neddy: We start at once
Eccles: Mr. Seagoon, can I bring a friend?
Neddy: Friend? There's only one thing that can befriend Eccles and that is a
Yehti! As casually as I could I asked him. He isn't about 12 feet tall
with hair all over him, is he?
Bluebottle: No I'm not. Enter Bluebottle with a smile and a song. Stands waist
deep in snow, smiles grimly, jabs alpen-stock in to snow - ooh
my foot!
Eccles: This is my friend
Bluebottle: Hello Eccles
Eccles: Hello Bluebottle
Bluebottle: Here we are again, this time on the Yorkshire Moors. Thinks: Here
we are again, this time on the Yorkshire Moors
Neddy: Now listen to me, icicle pants. Are you willing to join us on the search
for the Yehti?
Bluebottle: Yes, my cap-i-tain, I will join you. And Eccles will join us too,
won't you Eccles? Forward! Moves forward, but feet are frozen
to ground. Falls flat on face. Pretends to be examining track
Neddy: And so we planned our search for Yehti tracks. After long discussion
we decided that the best place to look was in the snow. Our search
commenced
Bluebottle: I say, Eccles?
Eccles: Yeah?
Bluebottle: How's your little pussycat getting on?
Eccles: Fine, fine! It just had 6 puppies
Bluebottle: Could I have one, Eccles? I would see that no one touches them
for you. I will treasure it, I will
Eccles: Okay then, you can have 2 of them
Bluebottle: Tee-hee! 2 little bow-wows. Do you know what I will call them? I
will call them Mick and Pat
Eccles: Ooh, Mick and Pat! Ho-hum! I know a story about Mick and Pat
Bluebottle: So do I (both laugh)
Neddy: Eccles, Bluebottle, what's that?
Bluebottle: Well you see, Mick goes to the doctors -
Neddy: No no, look! Yehti tracks!
Eccles and Bluebottle: Oooh!
ORCHESTRA: 3 SINISTER DESCENDING CHORDS LINK
Neddy: Those tracks led us to a disused farm house. The door was closed. It
only remained for someone to go in and capture the Yehti
Eccles and Bluebottle: panic
Neddy: No, wait. Don't worry, I'll go. But first, I want you to do something
Eccles
Eccles: Yeah?
Neddy: Just nip inside and see if the coast is clear
Eccles: Okay. That's if we all go in together
Neddy: Oh, we'll search the house. Leave the door open so we can dash out if
needs-be
FX: DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS
ORCHESTRA: SCARY CHORD HELD UNDER
Neddy: I said don't close the door
Eccles: I didn't close it
Bluebottle: I didn't as well. I don't like this game, I want to go back to London
town and see the pretty shops
Neddy: We must try another way out
FX: DOOR OPENED
GRAMS: SHEEP BAAING
FX: DOOR SLAMMED, GRAMS STOP
Neddy: Curse it! More sheep
Eccles: Where?
Neddy: In that room. Dint you hear them?
Eccles and Bluebottle: No
Neddy: You must have done, listen again
FX: DOOR OPENED, LONG SILENCE
Eccles: Oh yeah I can hear them now
Bluebottle: yes, so can I, I can really hear them, lots of sheepies
FX: DOOR SHUT
Neddy: But they weren't there that time. They weren't there, understand? I
know, they've moved in to another room. That's it! They must be in
here
FX: DOOR OPENED
GRAMS: WINDOWS BEING SMASHED
FX: DOOR SHUT
Neddy: No, that room's empty as well
Eccles: Let's try this room here
Neddy: Right
FX: DOOR OPENED
Neddy: Whoops! Sorry!
Wallace: I should think so, too!
FX: DOOR SHUT
Neddy: Old Greenslade having a bath. Fancy meeting him. It couldn't be!
Eccles, you open that door and tell me if I'm seeing things
Eccles: Okay
FX: DOOR OPENED
GRAMS: FRED THE OYSTER (DONKEY NEIGHING, RASPBERRY)
FX: DOOR SLAMMED
Neddy: Who was that?
Eccles: Fred the Oyster
Neddy: Thank Heavens
Eccles: Here, look, this door, it's marked "Eccles"
Neddy: So it is
Bluebottle: Ooh you lucky thing, Eccles. Your name on the door! Tee-hee!
Are you going to go in?
Eccles: Well, um, yeah. Good-bye fellows
Neddy: Good luck, laddie
FX: DOOR OPENED, SHUT
Eccles: (on other side) Well... hello girls! Ho-hum! Thank you. Yeah, I'll have
a piece of that chicken, yeah. Thank you, thank you, and a bunch of
grapes. Yeah... oh girls! Girls, girls! Ooh! It's good to be alive!
Bluebottle: Ooh, I wish I had a door with my name on it like that. Thinks:
Eccles is a happy-go-lucky lad
Neddy: Bluebottle, look! Bluebottle, this door has your name on it
Bluebottle: Has it?
Neddy: Yes
Bluebottle: Oh yes. B L E N ... T M... Blumbintle. Yes, it has. Wipes mouth
with shirt tail and prepares to enter for the good things of life.
Speaks: Good-bye Mr. Seagoon, I hope that there will be a door
for you too. Enters own door
FX: OPENS DOOR, SHUTS IT
GRAMS: EXPLOSION, METAL AND BRICKS FALL TO GROUND
Wallace: And there we must leave the Goon Show for another -
Neddy: No no wait, you can't leave me alone in this house with a Yehti. Help!
You can't leave me. Let's have a happy end, Greenslade. Greenslade?
Wally?
Wallace: All right, don't fuss -
Neddy: Where's the door marked "Neddy"? Bluebottle's door, Eccles's door -
what's this one? (gulps) "The Yehti". What should I do? If I could
capture it all my troubles would be over. But how? How can I find a
crate big enough? Wait a minute, quick as a flash I had the answer. It
was simple, lock the door (FX: KEY TURNED IN DOOR) and
take the room to London. Ha-ha, I've got you! To London!
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC RISING LINK
Peter: Gentlemen of the East Acton Geographical Society, it's two weeks now
and still no word from Neddy about this Yehti -
FX: KNOCKS ON DOOR
Peter: Come in
FX: DOOR OPENED
Peter: Well well well, we were just talking about you
Neddy: Well, I've got it. A Yehti. Help me to get this room in here
Peter: Is the Yehti in there?
Neddy: Yes, he's in there
Peter: Don't bother to bring the room in, we'll come out
Neddy: Right. Well, here it is. Now stand well back gentlemen, he may be
armed
FX: KEY TURNED
Neddy: Now when I fling this door open be ready to grab him. Right!
FX: DOOR OPENED QUICKLY
GRAMS: TRAIN WHISTLE, COMES FLYING PAST
Neddy: Aaaaaaah!
ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a recorded program featuring Peter
Sellers,
Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray
Ellington Quartet and
Max Geldray. The orchestra was
conducted by Wally Stott, script by
Eric Sykes and Spike
Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program
produced
by Peter Eton
ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT
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