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Series 5, Episode 9, Broadcast 23 November 1954
The Last Tram (From Clapham)
Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service
Everyone: hysterical laughter
Harry: (still laughing) Did you hear that? The BBC Home Service?
Everyone: hysterical laughter
Wallace: Oh well, we present the happy-go-lucky, crazy, zany, wacky - Goon
Show!
Everyone: dead silence
ORCHESTRA: INTRODUCTION PIECE
Harry: Ladies and gentlepong, that great and moving music leads us
automatically to tram cars. On April the 5th 1952 London's last tram
rolled in to the depot. Here to celebrate that occasion is a special
radio documentary entitled - The Last Tram!
ORCHESTRA: GRAND LINK TUNE
GRAMS: TRAM MOVING, BELL RINGING, CHEERS
Peter: (BBC Announcer over Grams) And as I stand here on the great
pavement there goes the last tram.
ORCHESTRA: STRAINED CHORD
Harry: That was the last tram. Those taking part were the Mayor of
Westminster and the counsellors, and Alan Eagle led the Chelsea
pensioners. Also taking part were the last tram driver Norris Lurker
and the conductress Madje Thumd Leader for Beer. Produced by
Melly Ball Shoeshine, script by William Shakespeare, edited by
Jimmy Grafton, additional dialogue by Geraldo, the hotel bill was by
Gilbert Harding.
Everyone: applauds and cheers
ORCHESTRA: TRAM THEME
Everyone: applauds and cheers
ORCHESTRA: TRAM THEME (EXACTLY THE SAME)
Everyone: applauds and cheers
ORCHESTRA: TRAM THEME (SAME, FADES OUT TO CHEERS)
GRAMS: MUSIC PLAYED WHEN BBC IS OFF THE AIR, WOBBLY
Wallace: We appear to have a little time in hand before the next programme,
so here once again is the name of the last tram driver. It is Norris
Lurker. In case any of you want to write it down it is spelt N O R
R I S L U R K E R. The last tram was a 53A- F I F T Y T H R E
E A Y E
Peter: (almost Grytpype, announcer) Listeners, this man is a fool. The last
tram was not a 53A, the last tram was yet to come. The drama of its
revelation started with an ordinary 49 and six-penny phone call.
GRAMS: (IN SEQUENCE) PRESSURE COOKER CORK BURSTING,
RISING WHISTLE, SPLASH, HONOLULU MUSIC,
TRAIN STEAMING IN, WOODEN BOX FALLING TO
BITS, GERMANS SALUTING THEIR FUHRER,
EXPLOSION, PIG NOISES, CORK POPS
Neddy: Answer that phone
Throat: Right
FX: PHONE PIECE LIFTED
Throat: Hello? It's for you, sir
Neddy: Thank you Miss Throat. Hello? London Pleasure Transport board,
Transport House, Redundant Tram Department, Inspector Ned
Seagoon speaking, laughs to himself, what!? Nonsense! Good-bye!
FX: PHONE PIECE SLAMMED DOWN
Neddy: (calling) Mr. Clench!
FX: FOOT STEPS RUNNING FROM AFAR TOWARDS
MICROPHONE
Peter: (sucking up voice) Did you so much as call me, sir?
Neddy: Yes, take your tongue off my boot. Now, some fool just phoned up
and said there is still a tram at large on the Highgate-Kingsway route
Peter: Oh, but that is impossible, sir. All trams have been melted down and
made into melted down trams
Neddy: Every one?
Peter: All except the one you're living in, sir
Neddy: Wait! Wait, look! That tram map on the wall! There's still one flag-pin
in it
Peter: Good Heavens! I had never noticed it before, sir
Neddy: What does it mean?
Peter: It means, that, that there is a tram still running. According to the flag it's
a number 33
Neddy: When did he leave the depot?
Peter: 1952
Neddy: He's running late! He's running terribly late
Peter: Yes
Neddy: I'd better check on this. Is my official car ready?
Peter: Yes, he's finished your shopping, sir. He'll be with you in just one
moment now
Neddy: Splendid. Ere the night is out I'll have this number 33 in the sheds and
quietly melted down. We don't want scandal, you know.
FX: DOOR OPENS
Ray: Er, your car is ready, sir
Neddy: Thank you Gladys. Now come along, drive along the old 33 route and
hurry, man.
Ray: Right, hold tight
FX: COCONUT SHELLS, VERY SLOW PACE
Ray: (over FX) Er, giddup there
Neddy: She's running well tonight
Ray: Yeah, considering we have a load of ashes on board
Neddy: Yes
Ray: Giddup there
Neddy: (panicking) Take it easy you mad fool! Do you want to kill us both?
Ray: No, only you
Neddy: Good, stop here Gladys. I want to go down the Kingsway subway (FX
end), now you meet me the other side, I'll go on foot - in fact, I'll go
on both feet
Peter: (announcer) The old Kingsway tram tunnel - inside it was pitch black
and dark as well. To make it worse, there were no lights on. Luckily
the tunnel was only 20 yards wide so Ned Seagoon was able to stretch
out his arms and feel his way along both sides.
GRAMS: DRIPPING WATER, ECHOED AS IN A TUNNEL
Neddy: (over Grams) Yes, it was very dark. Luckily I had remembered a 200
foot candle I had in my trouser pocket. Putting in a fresh battery I lit
it, and there in the candlelight gleaming in the darkness was the hulk
of a long forgotten tram. On the side I could see the number - 33.
Carefully I climbed aboard the rusty platform
Henry: You can't get on here, it's not a request stop
Neddy: Good Heavens! Good Heavens, it's driver Henry Crun!
Henry: Yes, yes
Neddy: It was you who phoned. Now look here, Crun, this tram should have
been on the scrap heap 2 and a half years ago
Henry: My 33 on the scrap heap!? Never, never! Tiddle-poo! Never, not until
you afford us our just dues, and this is the last tram ceremony I'm
talking about and a marble clock presentation
Neddy: It's impossible, driver Crun. Now look here, the last tram ceremony's
over and done with and Norris Lurker has been presented with a
marble clock. Now come on let's sneak old 33 quietly back to the
sheds, ey?
Henry: No, no
Minnie: Henrrrrrry! Who's that down there?
Henry: A civil servant, Minnie
Minnie: Hit him! Hit him!
Neddy: Minnie Bannister, come down off the top-deck
Minnie: I can't
Neddy: Why not?
Minnie: I'm smoking. Any way, buddy, who are you?
Neddy: I'm from the tram depot
Minnie: It's thruppence from the tram depot, buddy
Neddy: Well I must ask you both to get off this tram
Minnie: Ba!
Neddy: I command you!
Minnie and Henry: Piddle-Pooh!
Henry: Abandon my lovely tram in mid-route? Never! I must think of my
passenger
Neddy: Mr. Crun, you've been down here two and a half years, who would be
idiot enough to be passenger all that time?
Eccles: Dum-de-dum-de-dum. Let me know when we get to my stop and
Kingsway, won't you?
Neddy: Come along, get off, you
Eccles: What what? Me off? Do you know who you're talking to?
Neddy: Who?
Eccles: You've heard of the Duke of Norfolk
Neddy: Yes
Eccles: Well I'm - Eccles!
Neddy: Eccles?
Eccles: Yup
Neddy: Are you elated to the Duke of Norfolk?
Eccles: Nope, but I had you worried for a moment (laughs to himself)
Neddy: I'm sure you had the Duke worried for a moment, too. Now come
along, off you get
Eccles: But I booked to Kingsway, here's my ticket!
Neddy: He's booked to Kingsway, yes. Curse! He's within his rights. Driver
Crun, you will have to drive this man to his destination
Henry: Not unless you promise us the last tram ceremony
Minnie: Hit him! Hit him!
Henry: And the marble clock
Neddy: This is mutiny! This is going to lose me my job, you know? It's going
to mean a Royal commission and - I'll have to speak to the
governors, that's all. Meantime here's driver Max Geldray to play a
34 trolley bus
MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK
Wallace: The Last Tram, Part Two. A meeting of the country and town
planning society
Everyone: meeting mumbling
Grytpype: Next item, blocks of flats to be built on the sight of the old
Kingsway tram subway
Spike: Bravvvo!
Grytpype: Yes. Of the 10,000 tenders I have given the contract to F Bogg and
company
Spike: Isn't that, er, isn't that your wife's brother?
Grytpype: clears throat uncomfortably
FX: PISTOL SHOT
Spike: Ahh!
Grytpype: Any more questions? Good! Now what I want to see -
FX: DOOR OPENED QUICKLY AND VIOLENTLY
Neddy: Gentlemen! (catches breath) Stop the meeting!
Spike: What's going on here? You can't do this!
Grytpype: Do you have to burst in here? If you must burst please do it in a
convenient place
Neddy: Ying-tong-iddle-I-po!
Everyone: Good!
Neddy: My name is Ned Seagoon
Grytpype: Oh yes, the horror comic
Neddy: I'm chief of the redundant tram department. I have grave news for you
all - you can't build the flats on the old Kingsway subway!
Grytpype: Can't build - but I've already had the dropsy from the - (clears
throat uncomfortably) - um, why not?
Neddy: There's a 33 Tram down there
Grytpype: Well, get it out
Neddy: I want to, I've got to, but this crew refuse to drive it until they are
afforded another last tram ceremony
Grytpype: Another ceremony? Dear, dear
Spike: (cockney?) If all of these flats, I said, I said, them flats have got to go
up because I can't sleep in Hyde Park any longer. They've got to go up
Grytpype: Of course, of course. Seagoon, we'll do this tram but secretly and
on the cheap, we don't want any questions asked
Neddy: Right
Grytpype: This man does all functions at half price, here's his card
Neddy: Let me see. Oh! Major Bloodnok!
ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME TUNE
Major: Ooooh! Aaaah! There, Moriarty! I'll pay pontoons only
Moriarty: I don't believe! We're playing chess!
Major: Oh, I thought the cards were a funny shape
FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR
Major: The police!
Moriarty: Bloodnok, there are other people
Major: Not in my life
FX: DOOR OPENS
Neddy: Good evening, I'm looking for Major Dennis Bloodnok
Major: (gulps) He's upstairs, dangerously ill
Neddy: Who are you?
Major: I am his identical twin brother Fred
Neddy: Pity, I had a paid job for him
Major: I'll go upstairs and see if he's better
GRAMS: WHOOSH!
FX: DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS
Major: Ooh! Aah! My identical twin brother Fred has just told me you wish to
see me. Now to business.
Neddy: We want you to do a cut-price Lord Mayor's last tram ceremony. It
must be hush-hush or there'll be questions asked and I'll get the sack
Major: Sealed lips Bloodnok! Now what's the, er -
Neddy: 10 pounds
Major 10 - Moriarty, phone the mansion house
Neddy: Remember, it's all very hush-hush, so be there at 8.45 tomorrow night
at Kingsway tram subway
Major: Right, yes, yes, yes, yes. Good-bye!
Neddy: Good-bye
FX: DOOR SHUTS
Major: (sings to himself) Moriarty, are you through yet?
Moriarty: Just a minute. Hello? Hello? Hello? Mansion House?
Lou: (other end of phone) Yes, yes, yes
Moriarty: Lord Mayor?
Lou: Who else?
Moriarty: Listen, Gus. We want to borrow the Lord Mayor's robes for
tomorrow
Lou: Oooh well, let me have them back straight after, only Sir Winston wants
them for a fancy dress ball, you see. Well I've got to go now, someone
wants an 'aircut
ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK
Spike: During that phone conversation how many of you noticed that Neddy
Seagoon had gone down to the subway again? Hmm? You must watch
these points
Neddy: Hello, Mr. Crun? We've arranged the last tram ceremony. Tonight at
8.45, in 15 minutes time.
Henry: Oh, Minnie? Take the beds down
Minnie: I can't
Henry: Why not?
Minnie: I've just got in
Henry: Well stay in bed now you're there, just bring my bed down
Minnie: Which one is yours, Henry?
Henry: The one I'm not in, Min
Minnie: Which one is that?
Henry: The one I'm not in, Min
Minnie: But you're not in either bed Henry
Henry: Aaaah!
Neddy: Thank you Michael Dennison and Earlsy Grey. Now come along,
drive this tram out of here
Henry: I can't there's no electricity, they turned it off at the mains
Neddy: Good Heavens! I have to account for that tram. I'll have to go and get
the electricity laid on. Meanwhile here's old steam-driven Ray
Ellington and his lurgi-ridden four
MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "I CAN'T TELL A
WALTZ FROM A TANGO"
Spike: Thank you, thank you. While Mr. Ellington was singing that number
how many of you noticed that Seagoon had gone to the country and
town planners, ey? You must watch it you know
Neddy: So the tram is rusted to the rails and can not be moved until the
electricity is through
Grytpype: Well, we shall have to build over it, that's all
Neddy: No, no. You can't do that, I'd lose my job. I've got to account for all
the trams, you know?
Grytpype: I'm sorry, laddy, I'm sorry, my job is to build those flats on
Kingsway subway and we must start building or the bricks will
start to perish
Neddy: But you can't!
Grytpype: Yes. Look, it's up to you to get your tram out of there before the
tunnel is sealed up
Neddy: What? What? Before the tunnel is sealed up? I must hurry
GRAMS: WHOOSH
Spike: Meantime, at the London Basheer Transport Board, redundant tram
depot section 3
Major: Where's that double-crossing Seagoon? I'll give him last tram
ceremony! I'll -
Spike: (Indian) Pardon me, I am his secretary, sir
Major: Where's his dufter?
Spike: His dufter is in there but -
Major: Out of my way
FX: DOOR OPENS
Major: Now, Seagoon! I've been at the subway entrance waiting all night for
that blasted tram to come out! You're a no-good, low-down, jumped-
up, never-come-down naughty man! And I'd call you worse if it wasn't
for the fact that you're not here! Aaaah! What's this on his desk? A
nice little petty-cash box
FX: DOOR OPENS
Spike: (upper-class voice) Oh, I'm sorry sir
Major: How dare you accuse me of stealing from the petty-cash box!
Spike: I'm the new boy sir, I've just brought the departmental wages
Major: (shouting) I'm not interested in the department! - (friendly) Leave them
here, lad
Spike: Would you care to just sign here, sir?
Major: The greatest of pleasure (FX: SCRATCH OF PEN ON PAPER
OVER NAME) Ned Seagoon. There. How much did you say was
here?
Spike: £20,000
Major: Ooooh! I wonder where Neddy is
Neddy: Ned, dear listeners, was struggling to get the electricity to the tram.
But I needed assistance
Bluebottle: I heard you call me, my cap-i-tain. Enter Bluebottle, gives ting on
tram conductor's set, pauses for audience's sausages, not a
clapper in the house. Thinks, this is a good start.
Neddy: Dear little skin and bones Hercules, you came in the nick of time
Bluebottle: No I did not, I came in the council dust cart. Points to portion of
old fish bones still stuck to seat of trousers. Doot-doot-doot-
doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-ey! Sharp bones!
Neddy: Little dirty pipe-cleaner legs, take these electricity cables down the
subway
Bluebottle: I will do it, my cap-i-tain, I will. Carefully puts horror comic in
secret pocket. Picks up electric cable. Farewell my - Tee-
Hee! Hee-hee-hee! Cap-i-tain?
Neddy: What, lad?
Bluebottle: Cap-i-tain? You would not turn on he dreaded electricity on while
little Bluen-bottle is still holding the wires? You would not do
that to your little Bluen-bottle, would you, cap-i-tain?
Neddy: I give you my word as a Chinese gentleman
Bluebottle: I know my little Chine captain would not lie to me. Enters tunnel.
Does dignified slow walk as done by Alan Lad in "The Black
Knight", but effect is ruined by fish bones still hanging on
trousers.
Harry: (Welsh worker) Where's that lad going?
Bluebottle: Oh, hello Mr. Workman!
Harry: What are you doing down here?
Bluebottle: This is a good game, isn't it? Tee-Hee!
Harry: You can't hang about down here, we're working, we mumbles to
himself
Bluebottle: Oh, that is a rude naughty sign. Moves away from rough nasty
workman.
Harry: Go on, be off, or I'll bang you with this shovel! I don't know what's
going on here, I don't. Jock!
Spike: (Irish) What's it, my darling boy?
Harry: Connect up the electricity
Spike: Darling boy, it's not on, it's not through, darling
Harry: Ooh, these flats will need lighting, you know, there should be a couple
of thousand volts through, throw the switch any-road
FX: METAL SWITCH TURNED
GRAMS: STRONG ELECTRIC CURRENT RUNNING THROUGH
FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION
Bluebottle: Eaugh! Eaugh! Eaugh! Eaugh! You rotten workmen swine you! You
have deaded me with the dreaded electric voltages! Look, my
beautiful nut is all singed! Points to badly blackened bonce
doot-doot-doot-doot-doot! Thud! Sound of ear 'ole falling off.
Harry: You shouldn't be don here while we're building, now get out before I
fetch you one with this shovel
Bluebottle: I shall tell my teacher, Miss Cringing-Draws about you! I will!
You just wait 'til she gives me back my cardboard atomic ray-
gun! You will writhe in agony as the radioactive particles
enter through your -
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
Bluebottle: Hey!
Harry: You asked for that
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
Harry: Oooh!
Bluebottle: So have you! Hee-hee-hee! I have re-veng-ed the honour of the
Bluebottles! Exits left in blackened rags, flattened bonce, loose
knees and spare shins in satchel. Victory! Hooray! Exits left on
corporation sewage cart - pooh!
Harry: I don't know what's going on down here, I'll tell you that for nothing
Wallace: Pardon me, I'm from the BBC
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
Wallace: Oooh!
Harry: That's for the TV programmes you give us!
Wallace: You rotten devil, you! You hit-ted poor little Wallace Greenslade
with a shovel! Nearly deading me! Points to lump on crust doot-
doot-doot
Bluebottle: Greenslade you swine you! You're pinching my lovely little act! I'll
get you at playtime with Terry
Wallace: Tell me dad!
Neddy: What's going on here?
Wallace: Oh, sir, the BBC has just heard about the new last tram ceremony
and would like to broadcast it
Neddy: No, no, you mustn't! It's supposed to be secret!
Wallace: Oh don't worry, no one will hear it, sir, it's on the home-service
Neddy: Thank Heaven for that. Yes, well you'll find all the reception
committee waiting at the far end of the tunnel. Now I'll go down and
get Mr. Crun going
ORCHESTRA: TRAM THEME TUNE
Spike: Just thought you'd like to hear it again
Henry: Mmmn! Are you all packed, Minnie?
Minnie: Yes, I'm in my box, Henry
Henry: I'll just put the lid on
Neddy: Ah, Mr. Crun!
Minnie: Hit him!
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
Neddy: Oooh! Give me that shovel! Now look here, the electricity's on so start
driving her out. We've only got 5 minutes to get the ceremony over
before the builders seal the tunnel
Eccles: Oh good! Don't forget to put me over at Kingsway because when I get
there -
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
Eccles: I've got a lot of things to do there. Ooow!
Neddy: Now shut up!
Henry: Hold tight!
FX: CONDUCTOR'S BELL
Wallace: Stop! Stop! Mr. Seagoon, Mr. Seagoon there's no-one at the end of
the subway at all
Neddy: No - No last tram reception committee?
Wallace: No, no
Minnie: Hit him!
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
Neddy: Ooh! Look here, committee or no committee I'm driving this tram out.
Jump on, Greenslade! On second thoughts, jump on the tram!
GRAMS: TRAM RUNNING
Neddy: (over Grams) I'll show them Ned Seagoon's the master
Wallace: You're Seagoon? I Think I should mention that there's a black moray
at the entrance waiting for you
Neddy: Why?
Wallace: Absconding with the departmental wages
Neddy: Stop the tram! Crun how do you stop the tram?
Minnie: Hit him!
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD TWICE
OVER SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER
ORCHESTRA: THEME TUNE
Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally
Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer
Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT
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