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The Call of the West
First Shown: 12 show of 9th series. (75th Overseas Transmission)
Secondary Title: Captain Stingo, or Goon Law, or Anythinggggg, or
Hern!
Cast (in no particular order)
(Harry Secombe)
Neddie Seagoon
Lootentant Hern-Hern
Bluebottle's Mum
Uncle Oscar
(Spike Milligan)
Eccles
Count Moriarty
Miss Minnie Bannister
Singhiz Thingz
Little Jim
(Peter Sellars)
Colonel Slocombe
Dr Dennis Bloodnok
Henry Crun
Bluebottle
Hern
Hercules Gryptpyte Thynne
(Ray Ellington)
Chief Investor
(Wallace Greenslade)
A BBC Announcer
(Max Geldray)
Fred Smith, OBE
Here we go:
Wallace
This is the BBC.
Neddie Seagoon
Good! Now, Wallace, here is that same announcement by a midget.
<sped up version of 'This is the BBC'>
Wallace
Who's he?!
Neddie Seagoon
I'm a friend of Bert F'tang.
Peter
F'tang?
Neddie Seagoon
F'ting!
Peter
Findacoo!
Neddie Seagoon
F'too!
Peter
Foulzow!
Neddie Seagoon
F'ting
Spike
A friend of Bert F'tang!
<etc goSinghiz Thingzldegook, sped up slightly.>
Wallace
Dear spon-de-leven. You are listening to the sound track of this
weeks wonder ear-film, presenting: Captain Stingo, or ....
Hern
Goon War, or anything or hern.
<western theme song. Much trumpets>
Hern
See, hear and smell hairless midget, Harry Seagoon as Captain
Rapture. Hard riding, hard shooting, hard up cowboy.
Neddie Seagoon
Hello, you ornery critters!
Hern
This role calls for great audience imagination. See, feel and hit
Spike Milligna as the dying actor.
<gunshot>
Spike
Ooouch!
Hern
Yes, for the first time on your radio screen, so the hand-
operated, electric teeth, of Peter 'Voices' Sellars, as Big Black
Beauty, the mad wall paper stallion.
<galloping into distance, accompanied by donkey braying>
Listen to the strains of Tex McClain, and his sons of the bicycle
saddle...
<'Give me a home, where the buffalo roam' - then much laying about
with a metal instrument, accompanied by cries of 'oh!' and 'oh
dear'>
Wallace
This then is your entertainment for this evening.
<Screams, cries, feet running away>
Neddie Seagoon
Come back, come back!
<western theme again.>
<Sailors cries>
Wallace
It is 1867 and dead on time. The harbour of Boston is a hive of
inactivity, as English immigrants bring their shattered bank
accounts to the New World.
Along side is the Good Ship Venus. A plim plam toof, noSinghiz Thingzity
niSinghiz Thingzity noo, pleta omnivorous plethora, pletty plom plom tartity
to to tooee, fit plor tong tang tit putt putt.... I say, I can't
read this ruSinghiz Thingzish! I - oh!
<splash>
Little Jim
He fallin' in da water!
Neddie Seagoon
Yes, sonny, its a tradition amongst drowning men. now, come lets
step ashore onto america, the land of plenty.
Gravelly Hern
Hey bud, gotta nickel for a cup of coffee?
Neddie Seagoon
You poor man, you must be starving. Here, take that.
<sound of a (strange) blow.>
Gravelly Hern
Oh, buddy.
Neddie Seagoon
That'll teach him not to be poor in front of me again. fill the
horses up with three gallons of hay. hahaha. What a gallant figure
I must have made, with my tricorn hat, tricorn trousers, and an
unexplodeded version of the Union Jack.
Grytpyte Thynne
Look sir, I too am heading west, with this retired wooden fissssh
crate.
Moriarty
OOOOwwwwww. Let me out of here, Grytpyte Thynne, the pound, the pound, Grytpyte Thynne
Neddie Seagoon
I say, what are those yellow things, champing at the knothole?
Grytpyte Thynne
They are the teeth of a dear friend and confidante, the great
French poet and lyric plumber, Count Jim 'Flies' <buzzing sounds>
Moriartyiarty. Apart from which, he is inventing something.
<saxophone sounds>
Grytpyte Thynne
Listen, he's working on it, my dear sir. E'en now, he treads the
keys of his Adolf saxophone. Could we hire, perchance a room on
your covered wagon, so that the Count my continue undisturbed by
disturb?
Neddie Seagoon
Well.... there's no bath.
Grytpyte Thynne
No bath? Just what the Count likes at the end of a long day.
Neddie Seagoon
Right. Now, where's the rent?
Grytpyte Thynne
In my trousers.
Neddie Seagoon
He bent down, and sure enough, he had a rent in his trousers!!
California! here we come!
Get up there.
<western theme again, running into harmonica, and Max Geldray.>
<howling>
Neddie Seagoon
I say... will all those prarie dogs stop howling?
Grytpyte Thynne
They're always howling..... no trees on the prarie.
Neddie Seagoon
Listeners who recognise that joke please keep their traps shut.
Well, I'm going to bed. G'night.
<stretching springs sound>
ah, 18 stone, 3. Gads, I'm a heavy sleeper.
Moriarty
Let me out, buddy.
Grytpyte Thynne
Shhhhhh. Quiet in that crate.
Moriarty
Is it night or day?
Grytpyte Thynne
Fool, that sort of thing is only for the rich.
Moriarty
Let me out, oh, buddy.
Grytpyte Thynne
I'll let you out when you've made enough saxophones to sell to the
indians.
Moriarty
I've made corud-serc-neef-nook-she saxophones
<chains rattling>
Grytpyte Thynne
Have you? Well, come out. Now, which of all these fish-bones is
you?
Moriarty
I'm the one with hairs on.
<indians whooping, continuing over next few lines>
Neddie Seagon
What's that? The indian <garble> by screams! Quick
<gunshots start over war whoops>
Eccles
<garble> I did a mutton shop in Tennessee
I dud a myarmya
Neddie Seagoon
What luck! Its Davy Eccles and his goon-shin cat!
Eccles
uraluckum eraluckumuluckaluckumurlum doishinook ow
Neddie Seagoon
You do and you clean it up mate.
Eccles
They're all with me tonight...
Neddie Seagoon
Now listen.
Eccles
yeah
Neddie Seagoon
We need help
Eccles
yeah
Neddie Seagoon
Those indians are over powering us. Get through to Fort F'tang,
Eccles
F'tang
Neddie Seagoon
... and fetch help.
Eccles
Ok.
Neddie Seagoon
Here's the fare.
Eccles
ta! Giddup!
<public bus pulling away>
Neddie Seagoon
Fortunately for us folks, a bare ten miles away, the US 6th
cavalry were in the area. And a bare ten miles in America is equal
to three fully-clothed miles in France!
<cavalry charging>
Colonel Slocombe
Whoa!
<cavalry stops dead>
There's disChief Investorpline for you.
[spits]<ding!>
Lootenant Hern-Hern?
<running, from far away to up close>
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Yes sir?
Colonel Slocombe
Where's your horse?
Lootenant Hern-Hern
You only called me sir.
Colonel Slocombe
Well, thats a good answer son. you must be mighty proud of it.
Lootenant Hern-Hern
It belonged to my father Hern.
Colonel Slocombe
Its a well-worn hern, yeah. Here's a dollarhern.
Lootenant Hern-Hern
A dollarhern? What forhern?
Colonel Slocombe
Its pay as you hearn.
[spits] <ding>
Sargent F'doo? Where's the chapwagonhern?
sf
's..hine, the worst hine, sir, a most.... hawf hine.
Colonel Slocombe
Well, if you say so.
[spits] <sound of spat tobacco hitting and smother F'doo>
I'm sorry, Sarge. Here, catch this lifebelt!
<splashing sound>
sf
thank you!
Lootenant Hern-Hern
We better get going, Colonel - they say that the NoSinghiz Thingzlynee indians
are in the viChief Investornty.
nni
[singing]
I'll be calling you
And I'll answer true
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Its three lone indians!
Colonel Slocombe
Call 'em over, we could do with a loan hern, yeah
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Great Jumping Fanancopants! Its the NoSinghiz Thingzlynee Tribe in full war-
paint and wall-paper.
Chief Investor
Ugggg! me Chief Investor - in Wall Street. Chief Sitting Bull and Bear, this
is my squaw.
Squaw Wallace
How do you do?
Chief Investor
Ugggg!
Colonel Slocombe
Yes, I thought that too.
Chief Investor
And this nit here is my son, great warrior, Fred Smith, OBE.
Fred Smith
Hello boy, I had eggs for tea
Colonel Slocombe
Yes, he looks mighty tall in the saddle
Chief Investor
That's cos he's on a horse mate!
Omnes
Tada!
Colonel Slocombe
Chief, we wanna do business. We're willing to knock all your teeth
out for nothin', and give you genuine false ones in exchange for
an old buffalo hide
Chief Investor
Mmmmm. Ug. All my braves have buffalo hides
Colonel Slocombe
Well, where's yours?
Chief Investor
Where's my what, mate?
Colonel Slocombe
Where's your buffalo hide?
Chief Investor
He's hiding behind that tree mate.
Omnes
Tada!
Chief Investor
Look! Wait a minut! Me no like what white man offer. You go, or my
braves go on four-lane warpath. And I'll give you biff and conk!
biff!
Fred Smith
That's my dad, boys.
Colonel Slocombe
Watch out Sitting Bull, or I'll get you, sure as my name's Custer.
<horse gallops up>
Eccles
Oh, here, here, here, here! Oh, here, here!
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Holy Smoke! Its something going here, here, here, here!
Eccles
Well, its me going here, here, here, here!
Colonel Slocombe
Steady there son.
Eccles
The wagon-train with your wife onboard is being attacked by the
indians!
Colonel Slocombe
My wife! Is she safe?
Eccles
Yeah.
Colonel Slocombe
I never did like them indians.
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Did any follow ya?
Eccles
Yeah, they're shootin' at me all the time, but I just stuck my
tongue out at dem.
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Get wounded?
Eccles
Yeah.
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Where?
Eccles
In the tongue. ahaha.
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Well, for no reason at all, FORWARD!
<Sounds of a western musical of some sort - Covered Wagon perhaps>
Wallace
That night the tribes were assembled for war. A white man and his
fish crate were the centre of attention.
Gryp
I come as a fellow equity member with all dues paid. First I knock
on box, so
[knocks] <saxophone music arises>
Tribes
oh! ah! oh!
Grytpyte Thynne
Yes! We bring you saxophones!
Chief
Me like - me play
<well played saxophone music>
Moriarty
You play lovly, chief
Grytpyte Thynne
Yes, he plays lovly, doesn't he. Could easily pass for music.
Chief
Good! Tonight, me and braves attack white men with saxophones!
Mooohaaaaa! Minnie! Moohaaaaa!
<saxophones and indian whooping combined together>
Colonel Slocombe
Gentlemen, someones supplying the indians with saxophones.
[spits]
Neddy Seagoon
I think I know who it is.
<ding>
Colonel Slocombe
Bring that thing closer, will ya? You were saying hern?
Neddy Seagoon
I know who they are. Moriarty and Thynne.
Colonel Slocombe
Where's they hiding?
Neddy Seagoon
America
Colonel Slocombe
Sargent, make a note of that, of the address will ya?
Sargent Eccles
How, how do you spell it?
Colonel Slocombe
Don't bother how to spell it, just write it down
Sargent Eccles
Ookay...
<scribling>
Colonel Slocombe
Now read it back to me
Sargent Eccles
umbalalarlackum
Colonel Slocombe
That sounds like the place to me. Alright men! Search America and
look under the beds!
<Western musical again>
Moriarty
Grytpyte Thynnepyte, they've got wind of us! We've got to get away, I tell
you!
<smack>
ooooaaaaoaooaoaoaaa!
Grytpyte Thynne
Don't panic, Count. Get into this woman's disguise kit, while Ray
Ellington releases his power of song on an unsuspecting world.
{Ray Ellington bit}
Wallace
Meantime, in Dodge City, television centre of the old west, a
quack hawks his wares, and 'wares his hawks - whichever way is the
better, I wouldn't know.
<Bloodnok theme!>
<indian whooping, buSinghiz Thingzling liquids, small fireworks, explosions,
all mixed together>
Bloodnok
Ohhhh! Ohh, that's done me a power of good folks! And there's more
where that came from!
Citizens of Dodge City! Bloodnok's the name! Dr Dennis Bloodnok,
late of Harley St, Twickenham. Now then, I've cured the
aristocrats of the plin, and the plarmers. Let me read this
testimonial, sir: Dear Sir. Since taking your course of
Thunderpills, I feel like a new man. Signed, Mrs Ivy Chandler. Now
then, who will be the first to try it, I say, who will be the
first!
<crowd noises>
Singhiz Thingz
Wait, wait, wait a moment sir.
Bloodnok
You'll try some? Give him a big hand!
<thunderous applause and cheering, cut off suddenly>
Singhiz Thingz
Thank you sir, thank you.
Bloodnok
Now then, Mystic Son of the East, sip this small sulphur and
licorice bomb
<lip smacking>
Look! Ooo! Before my eyes, before my military eyes, the colour is
coming back to his pallid loincloth!
<train noises, whistles blowing, heavy traffic, sirens,
explosions, people yelling, and running feet, all mixed up>
How do you feel, Prince of the East?
Singhiz Thingz
I don't feel well, I feel, I, I, I feel very, very ill.
Bloodnok
Ill!?
Crowd
You're a quack, mister, you're a quack!
Bloodnok
Steady, yankee doodles, or I'll have the red-coats on you!
<angry crowd, running feet>
Careful there! ooo! Careful there!
<gunshots, running feet, Bloodnok yelling, merges into "She'll be
coming round the mountain", on an old piano, western style, people
whooping>
Grytpyte Thynne
I say, barman? Drinks, for my lady.
Moriarty
Yes, I'll have a glass of fish and chips.
Grytpyte Thynne
And see you put a good head on it!
Barman (Ellington)
Well, we don't keep and drinks called Fish and Chips.
Grytpyte Thynne
What! Come, Moriarty, we shall take our trade, and malnutrition
elsewhere.
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Hold everything! I'm Lootenant Hern-Hern of the US cavalry. We sell charges to
regular customers, they'd like to meet you two sirs. We lookin'
for two men who have been selling contraband saxophones to the red
indians, thereby causing unemployment amongst white musiChief Investorans.
Moriarty
gickaboohickgickkccaSinghiz Thingzooo.
<thud>
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Pardon me, ma'am - your wigs's fallen off.
Grytpyte Thynne
Wig! How dare you sir? The unfortunate woman just happens to have
gone bald suddenly. Its obviosly a case of the new lightning
French allepiChief Investora (sp?) from the song of the same name.
Moriarty
Thats right, thats right, [singing]:
AllepiChief Investora, lightning allepiChief Investora
AllepiChief Investora, <garble> your hair
Grytpyte Thynne [singing]
First you get it on your nut.
Moriarty
First you get it on your nut!
<wooden bonk sound>
On my nut!
Grytpyte Thynne
On his nut!
Moriarty
On my nut!
Omnes
Ooooh!
AllepiChief Investora, lightning allepiChief Investora
AllepiChief Investora, <garble>
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Hold it!
Omnes
[dribble off to a halt, ending in Moriarty, then Bloodnok]
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Stop that allepiChief Investora! One moment, you two, I seem to recognise your
face sir. Take off that false nose!
Grytpyte Thynne
What!
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Ahah. Now them false ears
Grytpyte Thynne
I protest!
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Now that false suit. And that false chest.
Moriarty
ooww.
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Hahaha. Just as i thought - I don't know who you are. Who are ye?
Grytpyte Thynne
Lord Nelson
Lootenant Hern-Hern
He had one arm missing.
Grytpyte Thynne
I have - I used to have three
Eccles
Hello, fellas! ulaluckumberdoy. Care to have a hand of cards?
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Poker, pontoon or rummy?
Eccles
Yeah, and cards?
Colonel Slocombe
Well, alright, fellas, I pass
Lootenant Hern-Hern
I pass
Eccles
Well, now its up to me now folks. Its up to me now folks. I'm
callin' ya fellas!
Bluebottle
Ohh, he's callin' us all fellas. I shall reChief Investorpromedicate. Its the
Call of the West partner! Chews plug of Hopalong Cassidy cardboard
- string tobacco - licorice-type. Spit, spit, spitty. Ooohhoi. Its
gone right down the front of my shirt.
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Who are you, stranger? Speak up.
Bluebottle
I am... I'm Marshal Matt Dillon, of 23 Flub Avenue, East Finchley,
north 12
Lootenant Hern-Hern
I never seen you in Dodge City before. How did you get here?
Bluebottle
I came on the forty-nine bus from High Street.
Lootenant Hern-Hern
There ain't no busses run out here...
Bluebottle
No, it only took me as far as the Odium, and I had to walk all the
rest of the way myself
Eccles
What about the game?
Lootenant Hern-Hern
Ok, then, you're calling Mad Dan - what kind of hand you got?
Eccles
Four fingers and thumb.
Bluebottle
I beat you, Mad Dan - I got four fingers, two thumbs, and a toes!
Eccles
A toe? There ain't no such hand!
Bluebottle
Do you think i'm a cheat?
Eccles
No, I think you're deformed
Bluebottle
No man can call Bluebottle deformed, unless he's a specialist!
Eccles, I'm runnin' you in.
Eccles
I've been run in, I've done 10,000 miles.
lh
Come on Mad Dan. Are you going quietly or do we have to use ear-
plugs?
Eccles
ohhohhh
Bluebottle
Go for your guns, Mad Dan. I'm warning you - see the panther-like
movements of my mittened hands, as they curl towards the
cardboard-and-string triggers of my cutout pistols...
<door opens>
Bluebottle's Mum
There you are, you dirty little tramp!
Bluebottle
Oh, mum!
Bluebottle's Mum
I'll give you oh mum. Your father's been looking everywhere for
his trilby hat! Where's all the shopping I sent you for?
<blows of bits>
Bluebottle
Oh mum, you spoiled my game! Bye bye, Eccles!
Eccles
Goodbye!
gryt
And so perish all enemies of the queen.
mori
And there's more where that came from.
lh
Now I recognise that voice by the shape of those words!
gryt
Run for it, mori, they know us
mori
Agh!
<double whoosh>
<dramatic chords>
Wallace
This then was the situation: Bloodnok pursued by the mob; Grytpyte
pursued by the 9th cavalry; and Bluebottle pursued by his mother.
With this in mind, will the listeners please take in their slack,
and listen to the occupants of Fort Ftang, preparing for the
indian assault...
<locks and chains>
Minnie Banister
Lock us well in, Hen
Henry Crun
Oh, yes. They won't quell old Hen Crun by surprise. Min? Stand
against that wall for a certain test.
Minnie Banister
oh. Ok, cockie.
<enormous gunshot>
ooooh, ohh dear, ohhhh
Henry Crun
Did that hurt, Min?
Minnie Banister
Yes!
Henry Crun
Good, then this is a gun, Min.
Uncle Oscar
arrrrrrrr arrr orrrrrarrrrrrg
Henry Crun
Oh, Uncle Oscar! What are you doing out of your grave?
Minnie Banister
He must be feeling better, Henry
Uncle Oscar
Iiiiiaaaaaarrrrr oooohhhhh aarrr I
Minnie Banister
oooh oh who oooh!
Uncle Oscar
oooo
Henry Crun
Oh, Uncle! At your age. You've been at the hormones again.
Uncle Oscar
Narrrr mine aaaa ooorrr aaaaaaaarrrrr
<tinkling sound of something on metal>
narckarohow
Henry Crun
There go his teeth, Min. That means more dinner for us.
Minnie Banister
Yes.
<indian whooping, under the next few lines>
Minnie Banister
What's that!
Henry Crun
oooo
Minnie Banister
oo hooo
Henry Crun
Do you hear that Min?
Minnie Banister
What's that? pishtoo!
Henry Crun
Pishtoo!
Minnie Banister
Whats that?
Henry Crun
Its the war-whoops of the Nakatacka Indians!
[ Minnie Banister
Are they the ones that commit atrocities?
Henry Crun
Yes, Min. ] (1)
Minnie Banister
I'll go upstairs and get ready
Henry Crun
Stop it, Min, do you hear?
Minnie Banister
What?
Henry Crun
You know that's for me to say!
Uncle Oscar
aaarrrr arrr arrrr!
Henry Crun
He remembers, Min. He's remembered in leather. Now, Uncle, get
inside that coffin and defend it with your life! I shall just
announce the next part of the program.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have pleasure in announcing a knock at
the door.
<doorbell ringing>
Blast, there's been a change in the program. Who is it?
<opening door>
<indian whoops, mixed with saxophone playing, and hoofbeats>
Minnie Banister
oooooo
Colonel Slocombe
And so folks, with rivers of blood being shed, arson, rape, murder
everywhere, we say: Goodnight from Happydrome
<gunshot>
ooooo!
They got me folks. Another unhappy ending, especially for me.
[spits] <ding>
oooo
<End tune>
The End
(1) This short bit was editted out by the Transcription Services,
but was documented in "The Goon Show Companion"
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