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Series 5, Episode 22, Broadcast 22 February 1955
The Fireball Of Milton Street
Wallace: This is the BBC
Peter: (American cool cat) All right, cats, let's creep
ORCHESTRA: TEA DANCE MUSIC
Harry: Stop! (stops immediately) Stop this madness! You sinful people! Now
Mr. Greenslade -
Wallace: Sir?
Harry: Unlace that rubber farthing ale, gurd up your poor old loins and give
the listeners the old posh chat there, give them the old posh wireless
talk Wal, go on boy
Wallace: Ladies and gentlemen, a story translated from a yet unwritten story
that was found embedded in an uncooked Russian sock. We
proudly present -
ORCHESTRA: DRUM ROLE OVER SPEECH
Spike: (theatrical) Oooh! "The Fireball of Milton Street", or "What's become
of that crispy bacon we had before the war, ey?" What's become of it?
So brown! So crisp! With that lovely firm layer of white fat. Ooooh!
What's become of it, ey? Answer me! What's become of that crisp
bacon we had before the war? Don't laugh, answer me! What's become -
FX: PISTOL SHOT
ORCHESTRA: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC
Harry: We regret to announce the sudden death of the well-known athletic
thespian and actor Sir Jim Nasium
Peter: (another theatrical voice) Yes! In his absence we give you The Fireball
Of Milton Street
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK, ENDING IN LONE HARP
Peter: Mid the rolling hills of Sussex in the county of Somerset lies the little
Kentish village of Milton Street, Pride of Essex. Milton Street, one of
the sonk ports. It was to this little village that a disturbing discovery
was to come
GRAMS: SLOW FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH, BELL RINGS ONCE
Eccles: One o'clock! One o'clock on a frosty night! A clear night! A fine night!
Oh, it's good to be alive! One o'clock on a frosty night one - oh!
Henry: Aaaaah!
Eccles: Ooh, hello! Mr. Crun! Where you been at this time of night?
Henry: Mmmmm, I've been for a walk
Eccles: Ooh, I wish I was clever like that
Henry: Well, good night Eccles
Eccles: Good night, good night
GRAMS: SLOW FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH, BELL RINGS ONCE
Eccles: One o'clock -
GRAMS: BELL RINGS AGAIN
Eccles: Two o'clock on a fine night (fades out)
FX: HEAVY CHAINS BEING JANGLED OVER SPEECH
Henry: Now, what have I done with my front-door key? Let me see: trouser
cupboard, wine-cellar, hot-water tap, butter dish, Minnie's Ginger-
Wine-still; Drat it! Every key but the front-door. Oh well
FX: THREE HEAVY THUDS ON THE DOOR
Minnie: (distant) Oooh! We'll all be murdered in our beds! Who's that down
there?
Henry: I've lost my key, Min
Minnie: Oh dear, I'm coming, buddy
FX: FOOTSTEPS DOWN 5 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS
Henry: I can't understand it, we live in a bungalow!
FX: HEAVY CHAIN BEING JANGLED, KEY TURNED, DOOR
OPENS
Minnie, Oh, what's all this, Henry? What is this?
Henry: I can't get in, Min, I've dropped my key out in the dark and I can't see
Minnie: Oh well, come inside in the light and have a look for it
Henry: Thank you, Min
FX: DOOR SHUT
Minnie: Now hurry up, Henry
Henry: I will, I will. Don't go back to bed yet, Min, I'm not in yet
Minnie: Oh dear, hurry up, I don't want to stay up all night waiting for you to
come home
Henry: Well don't rush me, Min. As soon as I find the key I'll let myself in
Minnie: Okay
FX: HEAVY CHAIN BEING JANGLED
Henry: Drat it. I can't find it, I can't find the key!
Minnie: Well why don't you knock? I'll let you in
Henry: All right
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR SLAMMED, KNOCK ON
DOOR
Minnie: Oh! Who is that?
Henry: (outside) It's me, Minnie, Henry!
Minnie: Henry? Haven't you got a key?
Henry: No
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED
Minnie: Come in, buddy, you're lucky I wasn't in bed, you know?
Henry: Terrible news, Min, terrible! The world is coming to an end!
Minnie: Oh! I'd better go and get the washing in
Henry: Min, this morning I photographed the sun and I discovered it's on fire
Minnie: Oh, the people are careless, Henry
Henry: Yes
FX: KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
Henry: Aaaaah!
Neddy: I say, can I come in? I saw light in you window
Henry: Minnie poured it out for me, would you like one?
Neddy: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po!
Minnie and Henry: Good!
Minnie: Mr. Seagoon, Henry says that the sun is on fire
Neddy: On fire? (laughs to himself) You were always one for a joke!
Henry: No I'm not, look I took this photo of the sun's chorono and it's smoking
Neddy: Hmm, Heavens Above! Saints protect us, he's right! Fire! I must tell
the villagers at once. (panic) The suns on fire! The suns on fire!
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK
Omnes: crowd noises
Neddy: Please! Please! Silence! Silence!
Spike: Speak up!
Neddy: Villagers of Milton Street, I'm sorry I had to get you out of your beds.
Mr. Crun, tell them what's happened
Henry: The sun is on fire!
Omnes: calm silence except for on or two "Ohs" and "Ahs"
Neddy: Don't panic! Don't panic! Keep cool and all's well! We'll face it
together, chins up! No cowards! Now remain steady, chaps, and at all
cost don't panic. Remember we're British! All together now
(sings)Land of Hope and Glory, mother of the seas. How can we
exhort thee -
FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP
Neddy: Yes?
Grytpype: (other end of phone) You silly twisted boy, you
Neddy: I don't wish to know that
FX: PHONE SLAMMED DOWN
Wallace: Oh Mr. Crun, the sun is on fire, you say?
Henry: Yes, yes
Wallace: If that is so the process must have been a ceaseless conceivable
rabbit motion of electrons captured by nuclei released at a million
time per sec per sec, the effect being the radiated thermeo-electrons
captured and harnessed as units of liberated satellite electrons, the
product of which, with the space quotuum of 3.79 plus 10 to the
power of 33 hers per second with a diatherman of 9 7 3 2 5 to the
power of X, is the thallum 3 billion thrice upon 25 billion centigrade
Henry: It's not as simple as that! Oh deary me, no! Now are there any more
questions?
Spike: (theatrical) Yes! What's become of that crispy bacon we had before the
war, ey? What's become of it -
FX: PISTOL SHOT
ORCHESTRA: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC
Neddy: Any more questions?
Bloodnok: Yes. As Squire of Milton Street, I think that as the sun is on fire
Ned Seagoon should go to London to tell the Queen
Neddy: To London to tell the Queen? I'd be famous! Right, I'll do it!
Bloodnok: Right, but first, it's a long weary journey to the capital, therefore
how about a silver collection. Come on!
Omnes: voices reluctantly giving money
Bloodnok: Thank you, well done sir. Grand! And you, sir! Excellent!
Minnie: Oooh!
Bloodnok: I'm sorry madam, I beg your pardon. That's it, that's it, the hat's
full! So Ned, there you are, off you go to London
Neddy: Thank you. Farewell!
FX: FOOTSTEPS GRADUALLY GETTING FASTER, FADES AWAY
Bloodnok: Brave lad! Right now, Ellington, help me count the money in this
hat
Ray: Right
MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET
FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH
Neddy: Meantime I, Ned Seagoon, was running towards London to tell the
Queen the sun was on fire. I reached the river, I jumped - (FX pause,
start again) - I reached the other side. I ran towards the second river, I
jumped - (FX pause, start again) - and I reached the other side. So
then I came to a very wide raging torrent. I ran as fast as I could, I
jumped - (FX stop) - Right! Hands up all those who thought I was
going to fall in the river. Come on there, you with the big head there,
Bill Matthews? Come on, hands up! Right! Take a hundred lines: "I
must not try to guess the end of Goon Show gags". Now, here is what
really happened
FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH
Neddy: I ran, I jumped (FX stops) and then -
GRAMS: GIANT SPLASH
Neddy: Ha ha ha. Right, hands up all the charlies who wrote the hundred lines.
Take another hundred: "I must not write a hundred lines until I'm dead
sure". All right, Greenslade
Wallace: Listen to "The Fireball of Milton Street" part 3. Outside the
Ministry of Works (LONG SILENCE) Part 4, inside the Ministry of
Works
GRAMS: GRAMOPHONE RECORD PLAYING
FX: TEA CUP AND SAUCER RATTLING, RAPID KNOCKS ON
DOOR
Grytpype: Come in, Charlie!
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS
Neddy: Good morning. I want to see the Queen
Grytpype: Oh, well you'll have to see the Secretary of State, I'll write you an
introductory letter (FX: PEN SCRATCHING) "Please see Ned
Seagoon". There
Neddy: Thank you. Now who is the Secretary of State?
Grytpype: I am
Neddy: Ah, well I have a letter for you
Grytpype: Have you?
Neddy: Yes
Grytpype: Let me see: "Will you please see Ned Seagoon"
Neddy: I want to see the Queen
Grytpype: Oh, well you'll have to see the Minister of the Crown
Neddy: Where's he?
Grytpype: Go and wait in that room there, will you?
Neddy: Right
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS, SLAMS SHUT
Neddy: Oh I'm so excited! Hee hee! The Minister of the Silver Crown, ey? I
wonder what he looks like
ORCHESTRA: BRASS FANFARE
Wallace: (shouts) His Excellence, the Right Royal Minister of the Crown
FX: FOOTSTEPS SLOWLY ADVANCE TOWARDS THE
MICROPHONE (GETTING LOUDER)
Grytpype: You wanted to see me?
Neddy: Yes sir, I want to see the Queen. You see the sun's on fire
Grytpype: What?
Neddy: The sun's on fire, sir
Grytpype: Oh, this is the charlie! Now Neddy, I want you to build a rocket to
take you to the sun. Take a barrel of water on board and then off
you go to put out the fire
Neddy: Well, where will I get the materials to build it?
Grytpype: Well the Ministry of Works have got a lot of junk - er, special
material you could use!
Neddy: Who's pay for it?
Grytpype: Oh the villagers, of course. Then when the rocket comes back from
the sun we'll buy it back off you at twice the price
Neddy: Hooray! I'll save England! I'll be a hero! (sings) Come, come I love
you only, come hero of mine
Grytpype: No I can't say it again
FX: RAPID KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
Grytpype: Come in
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS
Grytpype: Yes, what do you want?
Spike: (theatrical) I want to know what's become of the crispy bacon -
FX: PISTOL SHOT
GRAMS: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC
FX: DOOR SLAMS (MUSIC STOPS IMMEDIATELY)
Wallace: Meantime at Milton Street a dissenter is at work
Omnes: crowd noises
Bluebottle: People of Milton Street! Listen to me! Enter Bluebottle, strikes
orator's pose, cops dirty big brick in back of nut. Puts lump in
pocket for later. People, I'm telling you, the sun is not on fire.
(crowd gets noisier) Shut up you, shut up! I tell you, it's not on
fire. Have seen it through my cardboard cut-out telescope -
posted free with every 6 box-tops of Filth Muck the Wonder
Soap
Minnie: Don't you believe him!
Bluebottle: I'm telling the truth
Neddy: I say, what's going on here?
Bluebottle: I am here to prove that the sun is not on fire
Moriarty: (aside) Curse, this little nutty Goon could ruin our plan. (aloud)
Don't believe him, Neddy. Ask him to prove it
Neddy and Crowd: Yes, prove it!
Bluebottle: All right, all right, shut up you! Shut up, you! I will prove it. Stand
back. Takes off shirt to show well-developed bones and spare
ribs and satchel. I will climb this ladder with a piece of bread
and when I get to the top I will point it out to the sun. If the sun
is on fire it will get toasted. Now then, who is going to hold the
ladder?
Eccles: I'll hold the ladder
Bluebottle: Thank you, Eccles. Promise you won't let go
Eccles: I promise you won't let go
Bluebottle: Then I will go. Sprin-ges on to ladder. Effect is ruined because
trousers fall down. Oh! Short vest! Tee-hee! Max Geldray,
cover up my short bits
MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND THE ORCHESTRA
Wallace: We pick up the story with Bluebottle at the top of his 200 foot ladder
GRAMS: WIND HOWLING OVER SPEECH
Bluebottle: Tee hee! It's a bit parkey up here. Oh, silly little me, I forgot my
toasting fork. Hey, somebody down there bring up my toasting
fork
Neddy: (far off) Don't panic!
Bluebottle: Oh dear, what can I do now that I'm waiting up here? (mumbles a
tune to himself) Oh I know. Ladies and gentlemen, I will spring
you all a riddle, listen: When is a door not a door? Answer:
when it's ajar. Not a sausage for that one. When is a horse not a
horse? Answer: When it's turned in to a field. Oh well, roll on
beddie-byes.
FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP
Bluebottle: Hello? No I'm sorry I haven't (hangs up). Silly man, have I got any
rooms to let? (sings to himself)
FX: FEW HEAVY STEPS COMING UP THE LADDER
Eccles: Ah, here's your toasting fork
Bluebottle: Ohhhh! You fool, you mind hat you're doing with it, harm can
come to a young lad like that.
Eccles: I'm sorry, Bluebottle
Bluebottle: Eccles?
Eccles: Yuh?
Bluebottle: Tee-hee! Who's holding the bottom of the ladder?
Eccles: Well, eh, don't worry, I'm holding the - Oooooh!
Bluebottle: (falling in to distance) You rotten swine, you!
FX: THUD
Wallace: At the bottom of the now-fallen ladder a fresh crisis had arrived.
Seagoon is about to ask Bloodnok for the money he had collected
in his hat the previous day
Neddy: I'm about to ask you for the money you collected in your hat the
previous day
Bloodnok: Go ahead
Neddy: I want the money you collected in your hat the previous day
Bloodnok: What?
Neddy: Grytpype-Thynne wants it as first-payment on the materials for
building the rocket
Bloodnok: What, money? I arrest you!
Neddy: What for?
Bloodnok: Resisting arrest
Neddy: I'm not resisting
Bloodnok: I arrest you for not resisting then
Neddy: I'm innocent
Bloodnok: At your age, rubbish! I arrest you for not being in uniform
Neddy: I'm not in the services
Bloodnok: What? Then I arrest you for being a coward
Neddy: I'm not a coward
Bloodnok: I arrest you for being a hero
Neddy: I'm not a hero
Bloodnok: Then if you're not a hero and you're not a coward what are you?
Neddy: I'm neither
Bloodnok: I arrest you for being a neither
Neddy: Give me the money or I'll tell about you and the scout fund
FX: METAL BEING SHOVELLED OUT
Bloodnok: Ohhh, there you are Neddy. Dear Neddy, I was only joking lad, I
was kidding, it's safe for you, Neddy. You know old Dennis
wouldn't do a pal
Neddy: Right, there Moriarty, £20. Tomorrow we start building the rocket to
the sun
ORCHESTRA: GRAND LINK
GRAMS: WORK PLACE NOISES (HAMMERS, ETC.)
Peter: (BBC announcer) Well I'm speaking to you from the base of a Martella
tower by the Pevensey marshes. The hammering you can hear comes
from a bust band of workers from the village of Milton Street. They
are erecting some sort of wooden rocket tied with string on top of the
tower. That is what you said, sir, isn't it?
Moriarty: Yes, yes, they are having the joke, ha ha ha ! Yes, a joke. Now,
Seagoon (lowering voice) you haven't breathed a word to this
BBC charlie about it, heave you?
Neddy: No, sir, I haven't
Moriarty: Good
Neddy: Ah, Mr. Crun. Well, it looks as if the rocket's nearly ready
Henry: Not quite, we need another layer of brown-paper and string on the
outside
Neddy: Yes, you're right. We can't take risks
Henry: No
Grytpype: Neddy, we've just delivered the last lorry of junk - er, valuables,
and I hope you've got the money?
Neddy: Yes, £30
FX: CASH REGISTER RINGS OPEN
Grytpype: Thank you. Now when will you be taking off?
Neddy: As soon as we have the gun-powder and sulphur at the base of the
rocket. That's what's going to send us up
Grytpype: I'm sure it will. And, er, as a matter of interest, when you get to the
sun how are you going to put it out?
Neddy: We're each carrying a bucket of water
Grytpype: By Jove, are all of your family clever?
Neddy: Only the highbreds
Grytpype: TouchŽ
Neddy: Three-chŽ
Grytpype: Do you come here often?
Neddy: Only in the mating season, shall we dance?
Grytpype: Yes
GRAMS: TEA-DANCE MUSIC
Neddy: You dance divinely
Grytpype: Thank you, darling
Moriarty: Stop, stop! Stop this madness you simple people. You must take off
as soon as possible. The Sussex police have heard of the rocket
and are going to try and stop it
Grytpype: Curse, this could ruin everything. Seagoon, tell them all to speed up
Neddy: Yes, everybody speed up
GRAMS: WORK SPEEDS UP, 10 SECONDS OF CARTOON SPEECH
Neddy: Stop! Right, ready? Everybody?
Omnes: Yes, sir!
Neddy: Purse the sulphur and the light the old wick there. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
GRAMS: EXPLOSION
Grytpype: Oh dear, oh dear. After all that work. It's sad, Mor-I-arty, it's sad.
However, let's count the money. 10, 20, 30 (both giggle evily)
Moriarty: Oh dear, those poor fools
Grytpype: Yes
Moriarty: A wooden rocket, a wooden rocket! I ask you! Trying to put out the
sun (both laugh)
Grytpype: Yes
Moriarty: They deserved to die, didn't they?
Grytpype: Yes they did, Mor-I-arty
Moriarty: Oh 25, 26 million, 28...
Grytpype: Moriarty, hasn't it gone dark? They, er, they couldn't have? Help!
They've put out the sun! Oh!
ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE
Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally
Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer
Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT
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