| |
this photo is from 1963
It was January, 1957 and I had just met this delightful 19-year-old BBC assistant producer (I was 20) and was rather taken with her beauty, attitude and approach to life. This was magnified 1,000-fold when she mentioned, in passing, that she was attending a recording session of a Goon Show and would I like to attend?
Is the Pope Catholic? I leapt at the chance and, much to my pleasure, was seated in the centre of the balcony at the front, with a clear view of the action on stage. The session, which was the Leather Omnibus saga, started when the Goons hammed it up on stage left with Spike on trumpet and Peter on drums. Harry was wandering about blowing raspberries and laughing in his inimitable way.
Then Wallace Greenslade, from stage centre, strode briskly up to the microphone and announced: "This is the BBC Light Programme."
Then the traditional madness started, with Seagoon, Willum and Spike trading verbal abuse, all the while Seagoon blowing the occasional raspberry. Inspiring stuff!
Here is a sample:
Seagoon: [blows raspberry]
William McGonigall: Listen folks, twas in the year of 19 feeftyfrwe, when the Punch Up The Conker struck without rhyme or reee...
Greenslade: ...zon!
Sellers: [ad libs] Made him laugh at you!
William McGonigall: He raged one night without any warning, he struck a gentleman's private conk whilst he was yawning. Awwwww.
Willium: Ucchhh!
Fx: Pneumatic car horn blows.
Willium: Owwwhhhwhhhwhwhhwhwh! Mate! Oww, me 'ooter, owww.
Fx: Police whistle.
Seagoon: Hello, hello, what's goin' on here?
Willium: I've been punched up the conk, officer.
Seagoon: I'll have to make a note of this. Now where did I put my notebook?
Fx: Fingernails scrabbling in a wooden drawer.
Seagoon: Ah, it's in the sideboard here. Now, tell me all.
Willium: Well, errrr, I was sleeping on the joe in the garden, [aside] the pianna, er, when a leather omnibus draws up, and out jumps a man wearing a masked boxing glove on 'is 'and. 'What's that up there' he says, up I looks... and wallop... right up me ol' conk there!
Seagoon: I see. Have you ever committed a murder?
Willium: Now, now.
Seagoon: I can't get you on that then. Now tell me, why were you sleeping on the piano in the garden?
Willium: 'cos the grass was damp mate! And, er, I don't wanna get the nadgers again ya see! My wife's got the lurgi, and my eldest boy's got the plin mate. [faintly] on 'is legs!
Seagoon: Sergeant Dongler, take this man along to the station...Seagoon: Gad! I said. Then that old man sleeping on the piano was telling the truth.
Willium: [backstage and very faintly] Yes I was!
Seagoon: Constable, go up to Birmingham and bring him back. [shouts to Willium] I'm sending someone for you.
Willium: [backstage and very faintly] Ta mate!
Seagoon: Now then! Coming Greenslade. Question all people wearing masked boxing gloves, and driving leather omnibuses.
Greenslade: It'll take time Sir.
Seagoon: Very well, take time, and, and... Greenslade...
Orchestra: Romantic clarinet music over the next few lines...
Constable: Yes, Sir.
Seagoon: You be careful... Remember, you're, you're all I've got.
Orchestra: Music stops abruptly
Constable: Don't worry Sir, I'm wearing my trousers back to front.
Seagoon: [shouts] It must be hell in there!
Then, a cry that would be repeated many times during the next 90 minutes (it took that long to record the 30 minutes that was fit to be broadcast):
Seagoon: Right, round the old back for the brandy there! Right! And, sure enough, they would retire, centre stage, almost hidden by the curtain, to have what appeared to be a rather large nip of brandy!
While this was going on, Max Geldray and Orchestra played 'Can't We Be Friends?' More to-ing and fro-ing by the group until, once again, the cry:
Seagoon: Give us the ol' calypso banana boat song while we slip round the back for the ol' mild and brandy there.
And, right on cue, Ray Ellington and orchestra played 'The Banana Boat Song'.
After some more delightful madness, the classic and memorable interchange between Eccles and Blubottle.
Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles?
Eccles: Err, just a minute. I've got it written down on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.
Bluebottle: Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you Eccles?
Eccles: Welll, um, if a anybody asks me the time, I can show it to dem.
Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man.
Eccles: What is it, fellow?
Bluebottle: It's writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o'clock, is writted.
Eccles: I know that, my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o'clock.
Bluebottle: Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?
Eccles: Well den, I don't show it to 'em.
Bluebottle: Ooohhh.
Eccles: [smacks lips] yeah.
Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?
Eccles: I've got it written down on a piece of paper.
Bluebottle: Ohh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on it.
Eccles: Oohhhh.
Bluebottle: 'Ere! Eccles?
Eccles: Yah?
Bluebottle: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? 'Ere. This piece of paper ain't goin'
Eccles: What? I've been sold a forgery.
Bluebottle: No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.
Eccles: Oh dear.
Bluebottle: You should get one of them tings my Grandad's got.
Eccles: Oooohhh.
Bluebottle: His firm give it to him when he retired.
Eccles: Oooohhh.
Bluebottle: It's one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettil, and pours a cuppa tea.
Eccles: Ohhh yeah. What's it called? Um.
Bluebottle: My Grandma.
Eccles: Ohh. Ohh, wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock?
Bluebottle: She's got it written down on a piece of paper.
I thought I was going to burst a blood vessel when I heard that!
Anyway, the rest of the session was typical Goons, and the laughs never stopped. I was honoured to have been asked to attend this session, and will treasure it as a Magical Milligan Memory for as long as I live.
Script excerpts taken from the original transcription by Kurt Adkins: [email protected]
| |
