Spike Milligan - Quotes

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."

"And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it."

"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?"

"Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions."

"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string."

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

"I can speak Esperanto like a native."

"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."

"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it."

"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

"I'm a hero with coward's legs."

"I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."

"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."

"It's all in the mind, you know."

"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

"Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy."

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."